I'm moving

or at least my words are ;)

My blog is moving to:

gracelesswonders.wordpress.com

I have lost the ability through blogger to upload pictures from my phone and a lot of my blogging has been through my phone as of late. So follow me on word press! 💜💜💜

we are choosing what we want to keep, not what we want to get rid of

Last Thursday, I woke up and it was -11 degrees outside. Apparently I decided to move to Kentucky the worst winter of ice and snow since 1994. President's Day weekend we got hit with a huge storm that shut down schools, slathered the roads in muck and ice and left me like the rest of  Kentucky bound up in my apartment. To help cope with cabin fever I turned to reading and watching Scandal and after two amazing books and half a season of Scandal later, I am still restless. Last Friday I was reallt feeling bleh. Friday is the day of the week I miss home the most . I want to get dinner with Jim or go to the movies and leave my house and explore. Instead I'm stuck inside with snow only leaving the house for work this weekend. I try not to have self pity. Afterall, I chose this adventure. I chose to move friendless, jobless, and I have a job now, and I'm working on that friend thing so I got to say I'm doing alright for myself. Restlessness come with the season. Winter and me have always been common enemies. It's freezing wind and grayscale days have never made me feel joyous about existence. My boredom and lack of social life have led me to clean and organize. I pick of this lovely book,

 

the life-changing magic of tidying up by Marie Kondo

I've been reading it and so far it has been a revelation to my messy lifestyle. In one particular section, she discusses discarding and getting rid of things. Marie Kondo tells of how growing up she would find things to throw away just to find things to throw away. Later, She had an epiphany that she was still untidy in her words even after getting rid of things. She figured out it was because she stopped valuing the items that surrounded her and would just fill the void with more things when she got rid of the old. She then said, 

"We are choosing what we want to keep, not what we want to get rid of."

The book somehow for me went from helping me clean and actually be successful in organization into a teaching Eat Pray Love moment. 

At this time of growth and change in life for me, it's about what I am choosing to leave behind but what I want to keep and add into my life. I have figuretively and physical got rid of a lot of things this past year. I came away feeling jaded and overwhelmed and hurt. I think it's because I haven't focused on the good things I've kept. Like good, strong people who understand and love me unconditionally. I kept my desires to be an educator. I chose to keep art. I chose to keep my sanity instead of putting up with situtations that were unhealthy for me. I am moving forward and even on bad gray days where I question my sanity and decisions in life
I have made, I know I am gaining so much more then little things in my life remain the same. 

Finding old parts of myself in books

Monday, I awoke at 2 in the afternoon depressed and decided I would have to move back to Utah because my savings was depleting and I couldn't find a job and moving here was a huge mistake. (Side note I'm a very impatient person and lack faith in myself and think three weeks of unemployment is devastating where some people go years without finding work so I'm was a complete ass in this thought process)Then, at 4, Erinn from Tom Sawyier Library called to offer me my dream job! I'm a Youth Services Clerk. Basically I shelf books and help people find books and learn about great books to read and discuss books. And books books. And sometimes I put DVDs away. Somehow I put away the side of me that would stay up reading all night back deep inside and ignored it. Here I am so happy that I am United with books from every place on earth. I feel happy to be working in a place where literacy is praised and adored. I remembering who I am and finding new parts I never knew. Not to mention I love the people I work with. I am bursting with joy. And though shelving non fiction is kinda tedious it's so nice to be engulfed in literal knowledge. I am in a building with millions of stories and facts of this beautiful world. Isn't that beautiful? Go to library BECAUSE they're AWESOME

2014: a year in songs.

I have started writing this at least  five times for a month now, The truth is I really hated 2014. My heart got broken in more way than one. My parent's separated and I ran away from Disney world. I know things made me stronger and I did win a few games of Catan and I made a lot of wonderful new friends But I lost. And I'm okay losing I really am we all have a few bad seasons in life (ahem, the Jazz I still believe in you) but 2014 was devastating. And I'm starting a new year here in Kentucky and I am trying to change and forget all the pain I left in Salt Lake. I'm trying to forget the ghost I chose to become in the wake of my life being a shit show. I need to write this though because I hope someone someday maybe my future spawn (lol spawn) or maybe a friend can read this and go look at Grace. She had a really shitty time and then she became an amazing educator and fell in love and went to Austria and found self worth and made her peace with God.  I need to finish this damn reflection on this year so I can actually feel like I am starting a new one here in Kentucky.

So here it is 2014 in songs

January

Blue(feat. Blue Ivy) 

Beyonce

"But when I look in your eyes, I feel alive." 

It was last Christmas season I first heard this beauty. I pulled out of the Smith's parking lot on 45th south and it was a revelation. My heart filled with peace and all the world melted away.  I think how my life hasn't slowed down once in the last year and how this song calmed me. It also made me dream of being a mom someday and feel so hopeful about having a family.

Gravity 

Sara Baraeilles 

"I still feel you here until the moment I'm gone"

I know this song is a few years old but the Karaoke Cafe got it and I heard it a billion times this year. This song is brilliant. We all have had that relationship with someone that pulls us down and holds us back. I had to let go of a lot of people and things this year for the better and this song helped me cope with that feeling of being stuck.

February 

All of Me

John Legend

"You're my downfall, you're my muse"

I have no deep emotional connection to this, only that I melt like butter when the harmonies come in the second chorus.

Brothers on a Hotel Bed

Death Cab For Cutie

"You may tire of me as our December sun is setting because I am not who I used to be"

This song is me changing and growing, and being rejected by those I thought loved me no matter what. This is the sound of my heart being broken by people who grew conditional to who I am.

March

Adia 

Sarah McLachlan

"Show you all the beauty you possess if you would only let believe"

March was really good for me. I felt I could do things and go places. I found out I was going to Florida and my therapist and I discussed how strong she thought I was being and school was going and I was making new friends. I started singing this song at the cafe and it sounded pretty when I sang it, This song is so hopeful and reminds us we are never to far gone and everything isn't our fault in life.

Forever

Haim

"Get out get out of my memory"

I hear a loud table of Catan at The Smart residence. I see Court and Theo fighting over "Developy's" and myself getting handsy with the bank.

April

Magic

Coldplay

"Still I call it magic such a precious truth."

This is Coldplay sounding like the Coldplay I love. Chris Martin <333 I heard this on Saturday Night Live and I started to cry because no matter how bad something or someone turns out to be in retrospect, we can look back and see that we have that memory of perfection in our mind. Someone finally put into words how hard it is to just let something pass away.

May

Hiding My Hiding Heart

Adele

I Can't Make You Love Me

 Adele 

These two Adele covers I always listen right after another. Hiding My Heart by Brandi Carlisle originally is so sad and sweet.And do I need to even mention how great I Can't Make You love Me is? May was the point I realized my parents weren't going to make it. They had been crying wolf in this case divorce for a a year and a half now, but they had stopped fighting. My house became almost unbearable to live in because I could feel the sadness of my dad and restless spirit of Lisa.

June

Now Or Never 

Kendrick Lamar

"That's why I do the best I can because I know how blessed I am"

Imagine a rainy sunday afternoon, a greasy burrito, sweat pants and a chubby girl in sweatpants rap/singing to Kendrick Lamar alone in the Rancherito's parking lot.

Photograph

Ed Sheeran

This song sounded like Kristina and a song that would have been her Myspace song and on a CD in her car in high school and made me miss the hell out of her.

July

Wild Horses
The Sundays

Lisa moved out. Everyone kept checking on me.  No one tells you how weird it is to move your mom to her own apartment. I literally don't know what I would have done with out Jeff and Berlin and Emily. I didn't and haven't seen my therapist since March and I didn't want to talk about it. Once again my friends saved me. Berlin wouldn't make me talk about it because he hates feelings too same with Jeff. I don't how many nights I spent at his house until 4 am because I didn't want to go home. And I know he was tired and bitched a lot but he and Berlin and Emily would just watch trashy tv and play Catan. and Emily would just bring me into a whirlwind about her life and bring sweet Brad with her and I could forget my misery for a while.

okay sorry now I'm crying I miss my friends and it's hard leaving them in Utah.

This song is the song Buffy dances to Angel with at her senior prom. The Rolling Stone's version is pretty too, but I love this one.

Fancy
I-G-G-Y

"TRASH THE HOTEL! LET'S GET DRUNK ON THE MINI BAR"

August

Well after I went crazy in Disney World and I went to Kentucky and Brian cheered me up with good ole fashion Nikki

Anaconda-
Nicki Minjai

MY BIG FAT A********SSSSSS

Bang Bang
Jessie J

This year was a revolution in female pop music. This song is all the proof you need. It makes me nolstalgic for the days of Lady Marmalade and "freak dancing" in fifth grade. (I can only imagine what that looks like, Shiloh how were you friends with me???)

September

Slippery Slopes
Jenny Lewis

I don't think I could handle coming home to SLC without Jenny Lewis. This song helped me to feel peace and ignore that nagging I failed feeling.

Break Free
Ariana Grande

This sounds like taking Lilly to school and singing with her. Kacee and Cameron had helping me take her to school and it was wonderful having something to do, Having purpose and spending time with pure red headed sass every weekday made life a lot better.

October

Shady Love
Scissor Sisters

one last trip to GR and to China Buffet.

Everybody Wants to Rule the World
Lucius

do yourself a favor and go listen to Lucius and look at the adorable matching outfits. music credit to Jeffi3

November

Angel of Small Death and the Codiene Scene
Hozier

Once upon a time this sex god performed on SNL and I fell in love with his body and liberal open minded views

Smother
Daughter

 If someone bottled up the fog and cold and the muted pallet of November and sadness in the world and put it in a song it would be this one, and it would sound glorious.

December

Jealous Remix with Tanashe
Nick  Jonas

Liv and Jeff dancing drunk at the Smart kitchen table <3

Dream Song
Nathan Reich

This is the sound of the final drive in 2014 around the valley feeling vacant in a way that you about to fill yourself up with a new place and life. This song is saying goodbye

so goodbye 2014 and thanks for making me move out of Utah I guess..

Christmas snowfall

Today I had a victory.

When I was 10 I was got a sled for Christmas. I took out to the local park behind my neighborhood with friends and started to ride down the hill. It was snowing and full on blizzard. It was cold and then out do no where I felt absolute panic. I needed to go inside. The power lines were buzzing and it was pure white everywhere I looked. Too white. So I ran across the field and went through the gate and didn't go outside the rest of winter. The next summer I had my first panic attack and began to live my life in fear of mental illness.

Flash forward to today. I am on the smoke porch at work freezing my ass off waiting for Tammy for finish her cigarette and look up into the snowfall. It's snowing again but it's almost twilight and outside is a silver gray. I put Hold Me Down by Motion City Soundtrack because it sounds like snow and I close my eyes. I feel perfect clarity for three minutes. The pain and fear of my inner self just disapate and I feel okay. This is my last Christmas as an Utahn for I don't know how long. I may visit next Christmas but it won't feel like this.

Merry Christmas p

When you're leaving home

When you're leaving home,

you see everything for what is it

that all the "I miss you! Why don't we get together anymore?" stop to matter

you want 100 more Taco Time visits with your dad because they don't have taco times where you're moving or Jims

the exhaustion of trying to fix a broken friendship is illuminated in a light colored

you don't deserve this anymore

you get giddy about the thought of seeing your nephew everyday

you feel the deepest grief of only seeing your niece a few times a year

truly your heart is split in ways you didn't foresee

when you're leaving home,

you fear you'll back out of the scariest thing you've done in your life.

you fear you will accept the unacceptable for yourself and just put up with the life you have

you start getting rid of all that stuff you really couldn't live without

everyone should have to go through everything they own and decide if they would ship it somewhere else

when you're leaving home,

you feel the relief of getting a do over

of learning that it's okay that you have been fighting feelings of not belonging for 10 years

you feel happy for yourself

which makes all the bad things about leaving worth it

and yeah you might your words someday

but they'll be your words

your choices

and you might learn what it is you've been looking for

74 days

In 74 days, I get a do over.. I get a life back I've lost. I get to Don Draper myself without the alcoholism or hiding my identity from my beautiful wife. I'm ecstatic. I'm not overwhelmed or scared. I feel overjoyed. I feel that weird word I never truly understand called peace. Not everyone will understand this decision. Hell, no one understands except probably Kristina. That wanderlust that just increases in our marrow with age. I feel like my truest self in this moment. Especially the sixteen year vulnerable Yellowcard listening side. Every part of me knows this is right. 

In 74 days I am moving to Kentucky.

path to self love

life is a fight.


I used to be a passive person.
a sad dying on the inside lonely person
a year ago, I realized I couldn't live this way anymore.
so thanks to Lexapro and pure will to want to change, I did.

some people have been lost or hurt by this
but
I am growing
I am finding a place to love myself.
I woke up this morning not wanting to get out of bed. Some days I don't want to fight. Today is that day. I wonder if happiness can exist?

I don't the answer to that yet. What I know is that I must fight. I need to congratulate my victories. 
self love is not an easy task. but I need to fight for it.

I make goals. I walk my dog when I would rather stay in. I forgive others. I love God.

it's been one year since I was diagnosed with depression. and a year later, I have built the foundations for the life I want.

even though today is one of those days where I don't to be out of bed,
I am proud of myself.
and that is one of the greatest victories I could ask for.

11:11(6)

Every September, I do this awful/kinda   great Myspace quiz to evaluate my life. 

11 things I have to say to eleven different people:

1. Jeff- After I got done bawling my eyes about Florida and called Brian and ending up on a plane to Kentucky, you're the only one I wanted to tell I was coming home. One, I knew you would sincerely be excited and two, you would never make me talk about my feelings. You are a wonderful person. Not in a bad pinterest quote way but in a I watch too much tv and love talking shit kind of a way. You've never made me feel like I needed to be anyone other than Kimono Grace. love you JEffrey.

2. Kristina- I've known you for ten years. You first talked to me to stalk Reed in Ms. Daley's class. Ten years later, you are my sister. We've been through everything together. 2008. borderline Wicca candle ceremonies in my backyard. Moving away and staying close. Millcreek Health Center.(I WANNA DRAW) You've stayed close when I'm all alone. I love you sister.

3. Berlin- I forgive you for being mean when you were drunk. You have been an example to me to always be ambitious and always go for what you want in life. I love how many times you say fuck a day. You are talented and still give me chills when you sing Sinatra. I'm glad you never made the Glee Project because then you wouldn't be in my life. Thanks for being my cafe brother. 

4. Emily- I'm really happy Theo invited you over to Catan. Thanks for making us do things and be more slightly more productive than our usual Netlfix/ catan playing selves. I feel like I've fallen in love with home again knowing you. You are beyond talented in every thing you do in this life. I know you're finding out what you want from life spiritually right now. I know it's a hard road but know I am here to listen along the way. 

5. Tadd- I'm so grateful we worked our shit out. I know sending me that letter was really hard for you. You don't like saying you're wrong. I don't either so you're braver than me to reach out. I love you. I'm sorry you get all the crazy of me sometimes. But then again I'm not so I can sing Bohemian rhapsody to virtual monsters named Lisa. You are going to do just fine in life. I know you worry but you can look fondly upon CEU so you're stronger than you know. Thanks for being the Morgan Freeman to my Brad Pitt. "IM RETIRING"

6. Loren- Thanks for giving me so much light and love. I was very sad and felt very very very dark when I stepped off the airplane in Kentucky. A dream or plan I made went so wrong. Then I looked in the back seat and there you were with another chin than when I last saw you. You smiled and I knew I would be okay. Take care of your mom and dad. They don't know they're wonderful a lot of the time. Your mom especially. I know you're  teething but be nice.

7. Lilly- I can't believe you are in kindergarten. You are full of adventure and love and every time I see you, a different part of me learns and grows. I'm glad you haven't figured out how beautiful and smart you are because once you do, you could rule the world. I love you Lilly Marie.

8/9.  Mom and dad,
I know it's hard separating and starting your lives over. We all(Cameron, Brian and me) love you. We're all dealing with this in our own ways but know no matter what we say do or communicate, at the end of the day we want happiness for you both. 

10. Kenna- I haven't seen as much of you as I would like to this year. But knowing you are happy and in love is enough for me. You are light and love and still too cool of a person to be my friend. Loren was very lucky to be born on February 11th and has a lot to live up to.

11. Grace(me)- We went for it and it didn't work out. Don't stay sad for long. October is the best. Thanks for being more assertive in your life.

Ten summer memories :
2014- perfect day with my dad in Chicago.
2013- Blurrred lines in Florida.
2012- Pride in the beautiful June heat.
2011- Snowies with Cassie
2010-Bear lake
2009- Getting to know my cousins 
2008- being 16 
2007- LLCC 
2006- summer of Degrassi
2005- reading half blood prince and feeling God's love.

Nine things about myself:

1. I recently downloaded the Sims on my phone and it's ruining my life.

2. Florida didn't work and if one more person asks me about I might go crawl under a rock so I don't have to avoid talking about my mental illness. 

3. I'm slowing learning to embrace all the parts of myself.

4. I recently dyed my hair red in my brother's bathtub because I couldn't handle being blond and somehow it felt like I was getting rid of my mistakes.

5. I box dyed my hair and I'm scared to tell Steph my hairdresser.

6. Watercolor is always my medium of choice.

7. Diet Coke with lime is my drink of choice.

8. I have dry feet and I always get lectured by the pedicurist about how I need to pumice every day.

9. I miss college so much this semester.

10. I'm currently making giant snake out of fortune tellers. It's over ten feet long.

11.When I'm really sad, I watch poke'mon and I always feel less awful after.

Eight ways to win my heart. 

1.love movies

2.honesty

3.humility

4.kind 

5.funny

6.open-heart

7.understands my boundaries

8.has passion for something

Seven things that cross my mind a lot:
1. September is so beautiful
2. I-G-G-Y
3.something about Buffy/Angel
4. what am I doing with my life?
5.how i do "etsy"
6. I love Utah so much.
7. Yonce all on his mouth like liquor

Six (8) people who mean a lot to me.
Jim 
Lisa
Kacee 
Cameron
Lilly
Brian 
Sarah 
Loren

Five things I regret doing (or not doing) in my life:

I'm not in the mood to answer this one this year.

Four things I'm wearing right now:


bingo shirt from Lesley Brackus
pencil skirt
underwear
glasses

Three songs that I listen to often:
1.KRCL
2.hiding my heart- Adele cover
3.county fair- Bruce Springsteen 

Two things I want to do before I die:
1. slow dance to faithfully with my husband
2. see every state.


One confession:
Sometimes I wish I was less myself.

Kristina.

today is my sister's birthday 

I want to tell you in one of the many moments she taught me. 

 A week ago, I was having a bad day. I woke up and the world just felt like the world was crashing in and on top of me. I went to training for Disney, thinking everything would be fine just nerves. The nerves I had been repressing for a week and a half now we're bubbling to the surface. I spent the day in beautiful Epcot. Yet I couldn't get happy as pharell would put it. I got to my apartment and figured I was just tired. Well I wake up and I feel worse. I am alone and the Apartment is empty. It's the first time I've been alone with myself in probably 14 days. And suddenly I can't hide it anymore. My stress of movinG, the fucking Florida humidity, the fact that I can't get a grip on my reality. Why am I not happy? This was the right choice. This is what I chose. My money is spent. My pictures are hung on the wall. Did I mention I've been too stressed to eat? And everything I do eat goes straight through me. I force a Marie calendars pot pie in my mouth and it takes everything in me not to throw up. I put in silver linings playbook which always makes me feel better when I'm sad and then I start crying right when when he is outside the movie theater on Halloween because I realize that's how out of control I feel. I pause the movie, and to my surprise I call to I tell my parents I want to come home. Because I can't live this way. This stress. This anxiety. This depressive nightmare inside of me. 

I know, you're like wow grace how does your mental illness and you falling apart have Anything to do with Kristina? 

Well an hour later I'm in her car and I tell I'm not staying. And being the fool that I am, I thought she's going to try to make me stay. She's going to be disappointed I didn't even make it a month here. In the kindness In her heart, she tells me I need to take care of myself. At this moment I had what felt like a million voices inside me telling I'm weak I'm nothing I'm a quitter. You can't even handle Disneyworld. In one sentence she shut them up. Kristina silenced my demons. She let me cry which since the 7th grade has never happened in front of her. 

As I lay in Kentucky a week later, I think how much I need to learn in this world. Especially in taking care of myself. I am grateful for all the people into life. But today, on the Great birthday of Shania Twain I am thankful for a slytherin sister who is always there even when I'm not all there myself. I love you Kristina and hope you have a wonderful day. 

Let's start at the very beginning

A very good place to start

I hear Maria's voice now.
I am here in Florida on my best friends couch.
I spoke to my parents on the phone separately.
This divorce thing is going to take some time.
I need to take sometime.
It's beautiful and hot here.
Disney contains the idealism I dream of in life.
Happy endings. Family.
I need to be here. It's scares me how right something can feel.  It feels  predestined. Like Heavenly Father knew I needed this now.
When so much is on the line.
My dad mentioned I forgot my scriptures. I forgot a lot of things in Utah.
But somehow in this hot humid sticky swing state I feel I can
Find
The things
Lost
Forgotten
Stolen

I'm going to DISNEYWORLD

I have the jitters.
The butterflies adventure is waiting in my stomach
I depart for the Disney College Program August 11th
I'm so ready for this time of life.
There's a lot of stuff. Hard stuff in life.
But sometimes it just nice to go have some fun!!!
I want to go be my inner Disney princess self
I want to slay my artist's block with Palm trees and mouse ears
Sometimes it just nice to begin a journey, a new start even if it's only 5 months,
This time I know will help define my future.
Let adventure begin

Beloved let us love one another

Today I was listening to General Conference in my office. And there it was. The doctrine teaching I don't agree with. The moment I question why I'm Mormon. I felt conflicted again as I oftened do everytime this subject brought up.

Skip to 30 minutes later when I find my resident crying over missing his sister. How there's nothing I can do but sit with him while he cries. Then instantly I feel the love of God and the love He has for this man.

I realize that my mission in life is not to fight myself over political matters. I know what I believe and in my heart about certain things and if I'm wrong I'll deal with it in the next life. There is too much sorrow and sadness to waste my time on things. My role is to be kind and to Listen. To be strong and bring joy to others. My therapist says guilt is a wasted emotion. I'm not going to feel guilty for believing in Marriage Equality. I'm not going to walk away from my church either. I'm going to love and remember that Gods number priority is to love one another. Everything will work out and if I'm wrong in the end, I'm wrong. I will be kind and watch out for others on both sides of the fence. Ok off my soap box. I love you all and am grateful God is here for us. We are children of God so let's treat each other like so. 

"It's time to get out of the desert and into the sun, even it's alone."

I've started this post probably five times now.

How do I know where to begin?

I guess it begins a few weeks ago when Shiloh was in town just for a night and we caught up at my house.

I was rambling on about all my problems and then she looked at me point blank, the only way Shiloh can and said something along the lines

"Grace you need to get out of Utah."

It woke up something inside of me. It made put aside all my doubts and fears and apply for the Disney College Program in Florida. Then all of a sudden, I got in and I leave August 11th.

I don't want to sound cliche or not grateful for home, but being in Murray being here hurts. I'm not denying that the U hasn't changed my life and made me inspired because it has. My job is life changing. I love being close to home and watching my niece grow. I love Salt Lake and am an advocate for its beauty.

But.

Being here hurts sometimes. I am sad when I drive down state street and there's layers upon layers of memories that are gone now. Sometimes,when I look into the mountains, I'm reminded of my best friend and cousin and I not being close anymore and how we're not close anymore and how I'll probably never go to Squirrel Mountain again. When I go to church and feel out of place  because I am changed but everyone around me is living something that has become a foreign idea to me.Nostalgia is this poison that makes the everyday moments hard. I lose myself in Netflix TV shows and in the cold dark movie theater. I end up depressed watching everyone around find their life and place. I gain five pounds in a winter. 

Now I am going to Florida in August for a new adventure and when I get back I'm finishing my degree. I'm ready to get out of here for awhile.The thing is with sadness it's not all rain clouds. There's a renaissance of myself happening. I'm constantly creating. I'm baking, painting, folding,cutting,gluing and working towards something. Art has opened me up to change and its beauty. 

I'm ready to have a fun young adulthood instead of being sad, feeling guilty, and things. I'm excited to change and grow and to discover. I know it's not a just change in location that accomplishes this. It's a change in heart. I'm making the changes now. I'm trying to work out. Today, I did an "easy" workout from pinterest. 80 jumping jacks into it, my boobs ached. I'm new to all this. Change, exercise, accepting I don't like my life right now. 

"These last three years, I know they've been hard. But it's time to get out of the desert and into the sun, even it's it's alone." - The format. "On Your Porch" 

Things I've been making/that bring me joy:

Fruit tarts

Danielle my baking partner in crime

Loren McKay Wilson I'm counting the days until May when I get to meet him 

100 objects in 3-D made of straws

The lightening once more of my hair

The view from the Trax platform that make 830 class less terrible

Watching Buffy

My first book for book arts. Take a fortune and leave a fortune.  Finally put my cootie catching making skill to use. My idea is to leave a piece of yourself to someone else then gain a piece of another.

Pearspective

Been having fun with acrylic lately

I made a Chinese New Year dragon at work. That's Steve modeling it.

My "soul box"

A ceramic piece I did in 3-D. The cheesiest project I've done

The pink rose is bright and happy blooming outward to represent my extrovert side. The black spike/mountains are my mental illness and the objects represent the things I love still can thrive alongside the dark parts of myself.

Poke'ball- the child in me. the part that holds on to being a kid and never being too old for my game boy color.

Apple- my love and desire of education. 

Black-eyed Susan- The love of summer I have and my love for flowers

Piece of Heart- Modeled after Ocarina of Time, it represents all the places I've lived and gone to. I feel I have a piece of my heart there and carry pieces of a place with me wherever I go in life.

The crown- My princess complex and knowing I am valuable and of great worth. I have strength in me to become anything I want to become.

The canvas- you can't see in this picture. It's a little canvas of the mountains. It represents always looking at the world the eyes of an artist

Film canister- my love for film. <3 I just watched Moonrise Kingdom last night finally and it just proves how a great movie can take you places.

CD- the love of music and making mixed CD's and constantly trying to find the perfect playlist.

Utah Jazz- my team. I believe in them always. We will have it someday.

2013: a year in songs

2013

1. Ride- Lana Del Rey

The first time I heard this song, I was standing in Tadd's kitchen doing the dishes. The lyrics caught my attention. This was the first time I though something was wrong with me. "I'm tired of feeling like I'm F***ing crazy" struck a chord. I was worn down to the core in January. This song captured my feeling of wanderlust and my desire for a rest.

2.Who Done That To You?- John Legend

Django Unchained. amazing movie. amazing soundtrack. My second favorite Tarantino after Kill Bill. This song helped me smile and get through my winter blues.

3. Bellas Regionals: The Sign / Eternal Flame / Turn the Beat Around- Pitch Perfect Cast

I LOVE Ace of Base. When this came on in the movie, I died. This song is cute and funny just like Pitch Perfect.

4.Popular Song - Mika feat. Priscilla Renae

I love the message of this song. Being mean is wrong and we are beautiful being who we are. ( yep that is my Hallmark lesson for the day)

5. The Future- Patrick Wolf- I envision a foggy San Fransciso street when I hear this. It reminds me of the Bay City and Patrick has a dreamy voice.

6.Just Give Me a Reason- P!nk feat. that one guy from FUN.
Best pop duo easily for 2013. I overplayed this to my heart's content.

7. Thrift Shop- Macklemore and Ryan Lewis
In the April of 2013, I discovered The Heist. It's flawless in every way.

8.Blurred Lines- Robin Thicke
I know, I know this song is terribly wrong. You have to know Jeff Smart, be in Orlando Florida, and play this at 12 times a day before the magic of this song becomes real. YOU DA HOTTEST WITCH IN THIS PLACE. Don't worry I hate myself too.

9.Thin Line (feat. Buffalo Madonna)- Macklemore and Ryan Lewis
This song captures every feeling I have about emotional intimacy with others.

10. Teen Idle- Marina and the Diamonds
How I felt in high school  feeling like crap all the time until senior year.

11.Diane Young- Vampire Weekend
Dancing with  McKenna while she texted Trey and her being a giddy school girl over her future boyfriend.

12. Drinking Shampain- Marina and the Diamonds
This song is me ignoring my anxiety and not sleeping watching Mad Men until 5 am.

13. Handle Me With Care- Jenny Lewis With The Watson Twins
On July 13, 2013 I saw Jenny Lewis and Ben Gibbard as The Postal Service visited. I felt for the third time in my life. I found this album at the library a week later and it was fate.

14.Black Skinhead- Kanye West
Kanye you may be crazy but this song top played song on my iphone.

15.Annie's Song- John Denver
Beauty is riding a train through Spanish Fork Canyon listening to John Denver watching the sunrise.

16.TWO WEEKS- GRIZZLY BEAR
The sound of Catan at the Smarts.

17. Blew My Mind- Dresses
This cute band opened for Kate Nash and this song is just sunshine

18.Wrecking Ball- Miley Cyrus
I love this song. It is passionate and will be iconic in ten years. I'm #teammiley.

19. Anxious Endeavors- Problem Daughter
This one time, a band gave me a shout out during their concert and I died. I almost didn't go to the concert that night because I had a bad day. I didn't feel like talking about it but that moment made my whole week. "I LEFT MY HEART IN UTAH <333"

20. By the Grace of God- Katy Perry
 I learned I had anxiety disorder with depressive symptoms in October. I felt damaged, broken and sad admitting this to myself. It's scary realizing it's not just a phase. Like many other times in my life, I found solace in pop music. Katy Perry helped me deal with my broken spirit. Her vulnerable album Prism strengthened my will and helped me finish my school out for the semester and go to work.

21.Let's Go Crazy- Prince
Thanks to karaoke, I'm learning to sing through my sadness. "And if the elevator tries to break you Go Crazy!" The Karaoke Cafe Staff, Berlin and Katey are my favorite version of therapy.

22. Unconditionally- Katy Perry
This song is not just about loving someone else, but loving exactly who you are in this moment.

23. Do You Want to Know a Secret?- The Beatles
Sweet little song I never heard until December. I love that I discover new things by The Beatles every year. I also listened to a lot of Paul McCartney in 2013.

24. Winter Song-Sara Bareilles & Ingrid Michaelson
" I still believe in summer days"

twenty fourteen

feeling alive. 

breathing in the smog and the sunshine 

creating creating creating 

all the ideas all at once 

making scary choices involving Florida, my hair color and money

falling in love with art and life all at once

I've never just been fine with exactly who I am and it's liberating

Lexapro is the shit

There are sad days too but I'm not alone 

I have a journal, the movies, and a God who loves me 

"this is the life I choose this is the thing I can't bear to loose"

I am more than a disorder, a religion, a body type, a liar, a passive, a singer, a friend

I am a soul full of love.

Going mental

"Mental" my favorite word Ron says in Harry Potter is the word I would use to describe the mess that is my life.  I mentioned last blog that I have anxiety problems for the last month or so I've been working it out. The thing is that you don't really just work it out. It's not a kink in the neck. But chronic. It doesn't leave because you want to go to a party or concert. You can't  ignore it in a crowded church meeting. Being aware of it is a daily battle. This last week, it felt like I was often losing. It's like I used all my energy trying so hard to battle my mental problems. Being cheerful. Filling out the stupid psych evaluation chart at the doctors office right. It didn't occur to me until today that this is real and that it's ok. Its ok to cry every week ( I'm not a cryer I used to go 3 to 4 months without tears) and say No to things.  It's ok to be over sensitive right now because I feel broken. It's ok to pray and question everyday to God because there's a lot I need to work out. It's also ok to laugh and dance and be silly and sing Hey Ya at Karaoke. It's  ok to feel so much joy from  a book you want the world to read (LOTR!!!) it's ok to finally be drawing  and feeling good  about my art and where it is going. It's ok to be hella awkward because you don't know how to address a large group of people or you feel you can be open because  you feel irrational stress around them. It's  ok to watch 7 hours of Grey's because you're behind. Most importantly, it's ok to be mental. I want people to know that. Every has things to work though and mine just happen to be in my head.

anxiety.

So I have a problem with anxiety. I am now taking medication for it. and it's terrifying. It's also really hard to talk about. It's not that I'm afraid of people judging or not understanding me because mental illness is a part of my life. My family has it. I work in a environment where it is prevalent. I think that when I talk about it, it suddenly becomes real. I'm sick and it scares me that I won't get better. Being around others is exhausting sometimes which makes me not want to go to class or hang out with my friends. I can't take care of everyone around me right now because I need to figure myself out. Which stresses me out because I feel like I'm being selfish and that's wrong. I had to drop one of my classes because there too much on my plate and I feel weak for that because I am no longer a full time student. Which is dumb and petty but it adds to the stress.

It feels good to write about it because then it's out in the universe. I take comfort in art and writing. I'm scared for the future right now but saying all of this helps.

Things that have helped so far with this problem:
-Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ
- Elder Holland http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kNAx2Rgq-uI
 - The movies. There is no greater comforter to me in this world than the movies
-Buzzfeed http://www.buzzfeed.com/erinchack/comics-that-capture-the-frustration-of-anxiety-disorders
-My loving parents
-the beautiful October weather
-my friends
-Katy Perry's Prism

thanks for reading and listening to this.

11:11 (5)

11 things I have to say to eleven different people:

This year, I'm using a song for each of you they remind of you when I hear them.

1.Kenna http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hBgVJMuSh-I
2. Tadd http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-vHi83LTQjU
3.Ciara  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hUw9VETixto
4.Amy http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MJCqbuJxTEs
5.Berlin  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9v9Ut1IcEqg

6.Kristina http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BVXEDi8OXYM
7.Jeff http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=78SAb0yHq4E
8. Cameron http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uWhkbDMISl8
9. Cassie http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7JcO9pw0cEA
10. Lauren http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vO30b_SxLzE
11. Katey http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ub52NjNDQwgTen summer memories :

2013.The Postal Service feat. Jenny Lewis 
2012. Melon Dayz
2011. A train ride to Sacramento 
2010. Bear Lake
2009. Squirrel Mt.
2008. Having my heart broken for the first time and too much Ocean Avenue..
2007. LLCC
2006. Trek
2005. Day of Celebration ugh..
2004. feeling the love of God for the first time Girl's Camp
2003. panic attacks and the Sound of Music


Nine things about myself

1. I beat Majora's Mask this summer and felt more accomplished beating it than getting my Associate's Degree.  

2. I'm obsessed with Mad Men. Oh you haven't watched it? It's on Netflix. Oh the 1st season is kinda slow? Well stick through. It's the most beautifully written T.V. show in history. Everyone should watch it. I love it more than Lost. Yep I said it. Go watch it right now. 

2 1/2. Speaking of Mad Men, I'm 80% Betty, 10% Peggy, 9% Sally, and 1% Pete Campbell because everyone has a little Pete in them even if they hate to admit it.. 

3. My dad is my favorite human being on this Earth. 

4. My top 20 movies: 

1.Ferris Bueller's Day Off

2.Harold and Maude

3.Kill Bill

4.Star Wars: Return of the Jedi

5.Best in Show

6.Juno

7.Lost in Translation

8.American Graffiti 

9.Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

10.Everything is Illuminated

11.Twister

12.The Wizard of Oz 

13.Little Miss Sunshine

14.Jurassic Park

15.Blade Runner

16.Batman Begins

17.Clerks

18.Silver Linings Playbook

19.Big Fish

20.The Way Way Back

5. If I was an Egyptian Pharaoh, I would want my tomb for the after life filled with blue Powerade, fruit by the foot, pesto cavatappi, the harry potter series, Harold my pillow pet, coconut shrimp, a gameboy color with blue version and a mountain of AA batteries.

6. When I was 8, I used to practice my Oscar speech in front of mirrors for hours on end. I had no desire to make movies or act I just wanted to cry on stage,wear a pretty and get an award.

7. If I'm not dressed up as a witch on Halloween I feel out of place or that I'm lying to myself. This year I'm being Glenda the good witch.

8. Every time I pass Exit 303 on the Freeway, I flash up. 3oh!3 sign with my hands. And no I don't do this while I'm driving because I don't drive on the freeway. Last time I tried was last month and I started to cry hysterically and didn't make it on the freeway ramp. 

9. I hide my favorite Beanie Babies in my underwear drawer so I don't have to share them with my four year old niece.

Eight ways to win my heart. Hasn't changed since 2009.

1.win my trust

2.honesty

3.humility

4.confidence 

5.is in to star gazing.

6.good sense of humor

7.understands my boundaries

8.has passion for something

Seven things that cross my mind a lot:
1. only four more years
2. i'm tired
3. i hate you.
4. hippie *swear wordz* when Subaru's cut me off on highland dr.
5.BLURRRED LINEZ
6. something about Mad Men
7. i want my to be {insert celebrity name here}brown 

Six (8) people who mean a lot to me.
Jim and Lisa
Kacee and Cameron
Lilly
Brian and Sarah 
future niece/nephew 


Five things I regret doing (or not doing) in my life:

1.not taking art last year.

2.being passive

3.the 7th grade
4. letting the haterz stopping me from doing my thang
5. #cathairdontcare

Four things I'm wearing right now:


bingo shirt from Lesley Brackus
legginz I have worn for two days straight
underwear
glasses

Three songs that I listen to often:
Black Skinhead-Kanye West
Blew My Mind -Dresses
Annie's Song- John Denver

Two things I want to do before I die:
1. have sex
2. go to Europe 

Pretty simple person.
One confession:

I used my leftover textbook money on Joe's Crabshack.