anxiety.

So I have a problem with anxiety. I am now taking medication for it. and it's terrifying. It's also really hard to talk about. It's not that I'm afraid of people judging or not understanding me because mental illness is a part of my life. My family has it. I work in a environment where it is prevalent. I think that when I talk about it, it suddenly becomes real. I'm sick and it scares me that I won't get better. Being around others is exhausting sometimes which makes me not want to go to class or hang out with my friends. I can't take care of everyone around me right now because I need to figure myself out. Which stresses me out because I feel like I'm being selfish and that's wrong. I had to drop one of my classes because there too much on my plate and I feel weak for that because I am no longer a full time student. Which is dumb and petty but it adds to the stress.

It feels good to write about it because then it's out in the universe. I take comfort in art and writing. I'm scared for the future right now but saying all of this helps.

Things that have helped so far with this problem:
-Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ
- Elder Holland http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kNAx2Rgq-uI
 - The movies. There is no greater comforter to me in this world than the movies
-Buzzfeed http://www.buzzfeed.com/erinchack/comics-that-capture-the-frustration-of-anxiety-disorders
-My loving parents
-the beautiful October weather
-my friends
-Katy Perry's Prism

thanks for reading and listening to this.

11:11 (5)

11 things I have to say to eleven different people:

This year, I'm using a song for each of you they remind of you when I hear them.

1.Kenna http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hBgVJMuSh-I
2. Tadd http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-vHi83LTQjU
3.Ciara  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hUw9VETixto
4.Amy http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MJCqbuJxTEs
5.Berlin  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9v9Ut1IcEqg

6.Kristina http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BVXEDi8OXYM
7.Jeff http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=78SAb0yHq4E
8. Cameron http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uWhkbDMISl8
9. Cassie http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7JcO9pw0cEA
10. Lauren http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vO30b_SxLzE
11. Katey http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ub52NjNDQwgTen summer memories :

2013.The Postal Service feat. Jenny Lewis 
2012. Melon Dayz
2011. A train ride to Sacramento 
2010. Bear Lake
2009. Squirrel Mt.
2008. Having my heart broken for the first time and too much Ocean Avenue..
2007. LLCC
2006. Trek
2005. Day of Celebration ugh..
2004. feeling the love of God for the first time Girl's Camp
2003. panic attacks and the Sound of Music


Nine things about myself

1. I beat Majora's Mask this summer and felt more accomplished beating it than getting my Associate's Degree.  

2. I'm obsessed with Mad Men. Oh you haven't watched it? It's on Netflix. Oh the 1st season is kinda slow? Well stick through. It's the most beautifully written T.V. show in history. Everyone should watch it. I love it more than Lost. Yep I said it. Go watch it right now. 

2 1/2. Speaking of Mad Men, I'm 80% Betty, 10% Peggy, 9% Sally, and 1% Pete Campbell because everyone has a little Pete in them even if they hate to admit it.. 

3. My dad is my favorite human being on this Earth. 

4. My top 20 movies: 

1.Ferris Bueller's Day Off

2.Harold and Maude

3.Kill Bill

4.Star Wars: Return of the Jedi

5.Best in Show

6.Juno

7.Lost in Translation

8.American Graffiti 

9.Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

10.Everything is Illuminated

11.Twister

12.The Wizard of Oz 

13.Little Miss Sunshine

14.Jurassic Park

15.Blade Runner

16.Batman Begins

17.Clerks

18.Silver Linings Playbook

19.Big Fish

20.The Way Way Back

5. If I was an Egyptian Pharaoh, I would want my tomb for the after life filled with blue Powerade, fruit by the foot, pesto cavatappi, the harry potter series, Harold my pillow pet, coconut shrimp, a gameboy color with blue version and a mountain of AA batteries.

6. When I was 8, I used to practice my Oscar speech in front of mirrors for hours on end. I had no desire to make movies or act I just wanted to cry on stage,wear a pretty and get an award.

7. If I'm not dressed up as a witch on Halloween I feel out of place or that I'm lying to myself. This year I'm being Glenda the good witch.

8. Every time I pass Exit 303 on the Freeway, I flash up. 3oh!3 sign with my hands. And no I don't do this while I'm driving because I don't drive on the freeway. Last time I tried was last month and I started to cry hysterically and didn't make it on the freeway ramp. 

9. I hide my favorite Beanie Babies in my underwear drawer so I don't have to share them with my four year old niece.

Eight ways to win my heart. Hasn't changed since 2009.

1.win my trust

2.honesty

3.humility

4.confidence 

5.is in to star gazing.

6.good sense of humor

7.understands my boundaries

8.has passion for something

Seven things that cross my mind a lot:
1. only four more years
2. i'm tired
3. i hate you.
4. hippie *swear wordz* when Subaru's cut me off on highland dr.
5.BLURRRED LINEZ
6. something about Mad Men
7. i want my to be {insert celebrity name here}brown 

Six (8) people who mean a lot to me.
Jim and Lisa
Kacee and Cameron
Lilly
Brian and Sarah 
future niece/nephew 


Five things I regret doing (or not doing) in my life:

1.not taking art last year.

2.being passive

3.the 7th grade
4. letting the haterz stopping me from doing my thang
5. #cathairdontcare

Four things I'm wearing right now:


bingo shirt from Lesley Brackus
legginz I have worn for two days straight
underwear
glasses

Three songs that I listen to often:
Black Skinhead-Kanye West
Blew My Mind -Dresses
Annie's Song- John Denver

Two things I want to do before I die:
1. have sex
2. go to Europe 

Pretty simple person.
One confession:

I used my leftover textbook money on Joe's Crabshack.

Embracing the Chubby arms: a step toward self love.

Two months ago, I was at Ross with Lisa. While my mom was sorting through the maxi dresses, I stumbled upon something pink and wonderful AND in my size. Promptly, I went and tried on this dress and fell in love. 

Skip ahead two months to last night when I put this this dress again to dress up for a Karaoke Party. (went as Glinda from Wicked) Something wonderful happened. I finally accepted myself fully. I put this dress on and I didn't look at one part of myself and think "I don't like that." I just felt pretty.

I'm fat. I have been my whole life. Chubby .Curvy. Voluptuous. Pick a word it's me. And being a fat kid, I've dealt with the problems that come with that. I was bullied by others in Elementary School and Jr. High. There was a part of me that would think people didn't think the outside of me so I had to likable as possible to make up for that. Conveniently this made a kind person but also passive and scared to stand up for myself. 

Fast forward to now where I am still fat. Guess what though? I'm also hilarious, Mormon, in Ravenclaw ("Wit beyond measure is man's greatest treasure"), in love with Harrison Ford even if he could be my grandpa, an artist, a good friend, sailor mouth when I play Nintendo 64, a future Educator, a writer when I want to be, a sister but more than anything

I'm a Child of God and I'm beautiful.

So to the people who used to mean to me when I was kid, the guys who look at women of my size and say they aren't chubby chasers and anyone else who has ever made someone bigger feel like they are worthless, I say you're missing out. And a four letter F word that followed by you.

Betty

Tonight we had my great aunt Maxine over for dinner and she told us stories about my grandma Betty. My grandma passed away on August 7, 1992. I wasn't even five months old but I always have felt close to her. My grandma had lived a beautiful but hard life. Her mother passed away when she was 12 and Betty grew up a lot faster than most people had to. She lived with her aunt Florence who raised Betty and her three siblings as her own children along with her three children. 

Tonight I got a notebook that has my grandma's handwriting in it. She has the beautiful cursive. 

I don't know where I'm going with this post but I guess I am so blessed I am learning about her and the wonderful people I am blessed to be from. 

I'm going to be frank, this week was very hard for me. My artist's block is back is full swing and I have been overwhelming sad. I feel like I have no idea what I want and I feel alone. Which is "normal" for my age but it's scary. Everyone seems to be happy and going places in my life and I'm still "Good ole' Grace" (girl's camp reference) trying to a get grip on college, religion, and what I want to be. 

Two people who mean a lot to me have moved very far away this year and I'm missing them terribly. (cough cough Brian/Kristina) I said good bye to Kristina and I don't know when I will see her next for the first time in my life. She is my sister and I'm so proud that she had found her place in life and that she is so happy. 

Brian is hard to talk about because he moved so quickly and life has happened so quickly that I don't know where my heart or feelings are. Which is deeply selfish of me because I still miss him more than I am happy for him but one day at a time right? 

and of course I don't how to tell him that so maybe I'll just send him a link to my blog.

Back to Betty. 

Remembering where I come from gives me so much hope. It gives me the strength to realize that I am going places. God loves who I am and He knows how I am feeling even if I can't say it aloud. I am strong and have a wonderful life. This is part of being an "artist". Ruts. frustrations. learning to open your heart to express it. 

I recently watched this the other night because I was feeling in a rut and Katey said it would be good for me to watch it. 
http://www.uarts.edu/neil-gaiman-keynote-address-2012

It's Neil Gaiman (Coraline, Sandman, Stardust etc.) giving a commencement speech and it really has helped me not to want to quit. This is the quote I loved most:
"The moment that you feel that, just possibly, you're walking down the street naked, exposing too much of your heart and your mind and what exists on the inside, showing too much of yourself. That's the moment you may be starting to get it right."
I'm working on this and blogging my life problems is kinda like drawing them out right? I'll get there. 

This is my beautiful Grandma. I will end by saying though I'm in a rut I know I am a part of a great family. I keep hearing my dad saying,

"Remember who you are." inside my head. By remembering that, I know I get through anything.

#sickkidprobz

I think I like making bad hashtags a little too much... and putting z's instead of s's to make things plural.
I have a cold in summer or sinus something. which is something I hate but secretly kinda love.

That sounds bad. I hate feeling dizzy walking up the stairs,I hate mucinex more than anything on this Earth and I hate having to lie on my back to sleep  because I can't breathe. I hate missing church when me and God have felt so close lately, but regardless, I liked being sick today.

Maybe this is part of my "I can't control my life so I might as well be happy about it" phase but I saw the positive side in being sick. Also I'm at that point of the night where you're sick but you feel kinda better but not really and you don't want to go to bed because all the crap in your body will settle in your chest and you'll feel like death when you wake up  #iloverunonsentences #takethatenglish1010

 Why today was unexpectedly good:

I watched movies all day which second to travel is probably my favorite thing to do.
I didn't have to talk to anyone about anything
I was sick so I got to hide from Cleaning Lisa*
I didn't have to put a bra ALL day
nor did I have to do my hair or makeup and didn't shower til 4 pm
I'm working on this awful cartoon I used to draw as a kid for Tadd and it makes me happy.
(The title of this fictional cartoon is TOTALLY TEEN GIRLS in which 12 girls of different horoscope signs fight crime. Watch out it's the next Hunger Games.)
I'm overly emotional which can be bad but also good because everything is Funny.

I forgot where I was going with this.... oh I was going to talk about Say Anything with Ciara but I will wait for that when I'm not like this.

#haveagoodsunday joke. it's technically Monday #happymonday

*Cleaning Lisa- Twice a year Lisa goes on a cleaning rampage and yells at everyone A LOT.

#sexycanI ok I'm really going to stop now.

Bucket List/Life list/things I wanna do before I croak list.

Kristina did this and then put a link to my blog which was nice of her and so here is her list 
 http://kristinablesch.blogspot.com/2013/06/bucket-list.html

this is the notebook I keep my list in:

Yes that is an elderly woman doing the splits with a cliche Abraham Lincoln quote above her head. 

• Learn to Waltz- Every since Maria and Captain Von Trap did in The Sound of Music I've wanted to Waltz. 
• Visit every National Park in the USA with Kristina
• Graduate from college
• visit Switzerland. Watching Rick Steve's Europe one Saturday morning when I was 14 made it really appealing. 
• Beat every Legend of Zelda game ever made. Majora's Mask I will beat one day even though you're the worst companion video game ever made.
• See, read and comprehend every Shakespeare play written.
• Eat waffles on a busy city rooftop. - 13 year old me REALLY wants to do this so I think I should make it happen someday
• see a Tornado in person
• camp somewhere new every summer
• Go to a Monster Truck rally. I want to go sooo bad
• get married in the temple
• Drive route 66 or what remains of it
• see The Last 5 Years on stage
• Spend Christmas in London
• Change someone's life 
• Go to Comic Con
• Go a Disney Cruise
• Go on an Alaskan cruise
• Oil Paint in Scotland
• Visit the Ghibli Museum
•  learn to speak another language fluently 
• Read Gone With the Wind
• Read the Holy Bible
• Catch all 150 pokemon

Things I have done:

Move out of Murray

• Read the Book of Mormon
• Go to Warped Tour
  
• 
  
• See Katy Perry in concert
  
• 
  
• meet a movie star
• read every Harry Potter
• Swim in both the Atlantic and Pacific Ocean
  
  Pacific
  
  Atlantic
• Go to New York City
  
  Rainy first night there
• 
  
• Go to Disney World 
  
• See the Golden Gate Bridge
  
  watercolor I did 
• Go to a Midnight Movie Premiere 
• Meet Dashboard Confessional
• Meet Bayside 
  
  
  
  
• See Spring Awakening on stage
• Have a "real" best friend- my friend my journal in the third grade so I wrote this angrily in my journal.. I have had many best friends :) 
• Have a Ferris Bueller Day
  
  ok senior year was one Ferris Bueller Day after another

The internet is turning me into a feminist and I like it *sung in Katy Perry voice*

GO watch:
://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WJVHRJbgLz8

The following is a link to Jessica Rey, a swimsuit designer discussing modesty. I've seen about four or five  different people post this on their Facebook page as well as KSL Five News (Local News-station in Utah) and had a friend commenting on the Youtube video itself.

I have a few things to say about the subject but I feel better discussing my opinion in a blog where I can say my peace and let go some of the anger I feel about this video, the world we live in and the fact that women STILL have to feel guilty about their personal decisions.

Why I am upset:

-This video infers women who choose to wear bikinis lack self respect.
-This video makes men sound like robotic sex crazed creatures who can't control themselves.
-It uses research from a prestigious university which makes it sound more "valid". I am sure the research is accurate but the way they manipulated is wrong. It makes women who do dress differently feel guilty about their clothing choice.
-Modesty is more than wearing a bikini on the beach. It is being gracious towards others different from you including not slut shaming and making any woman feel bad about what she decides to wear. It is her body. It is her choice. It is not a woman's responsibility to dress a certain way to prevent a man for feeling certain feelings about her.
-It is a man's responsibility to respect women regardless of her clothing choice. 
-It is not a woman's fault that the media has taken the female body and distorted it to the point that some men think sex when viewing a female body.
-She tears apart a perfectly happy pop song to use for her own swimsuit selling agenda. As lover of Pop Music I will not put up with this injustice.

Okay I feel a little better...

Mormon side note:
I am a Mormon and I am asked to wear a certain dress code. This is my very personal and spiritual choice to do. I think modesty is a great thing to have in all aspects of life. Once again though, like many things in this life it is a very personal decision for one to make.