Skool

Let me tell you about the U:

-it's a very large campus. Yet unlike CEU, I run into every person I never wanted to see after high school. Even that one girl who says tells me in the most condescending voice "Ohhh you're going to be a teacher? Yeah that's probably good for you.I'm going to into some science field you wouldn't understand" (yep I'm not heartless beezie like you and people enjoy my company and I'm nice so yes I would be a good teacher. and yes I exaggerate and twist people's words because I'm oversensitive) 

-People are smart and really competitive. Which for how their tuition is, they should be. So sometimes in my classes (Especially my Lit class) I feel like a guppy swimming in a sea pretentious sharks who have  all read every classic novel in the "cannon" that I never found time because I was busy reading good ole' Percy Jackson. I'm scared to share my opinion because I still feel like "regular" kid and not an "AP" kid. at what point do I grow out of my insecurities?

- I'm terrible at making friends on purpose I think. Most of my friends all live in Salt Lake and I'm sick of losing my friends thing for a minute. Which will be addressed in my 3rd annual 11:11 post in a few weeks here.. But I'm content with who I'm friends with so I'm not really trying. I don't know when that feeling will go away.. 

-I adore my Education teacher. She reminds me of every good teacher I've ever had and exactly why I want to go into this field of work. 

-I'm deciding between three majors so any input is being taken:

• English major with a history minor in Second Education. I love English and can't minor in Art and I'm good at History and like it too. But I hate critically picking apart things just to pick them apart and half the time I don't a damn about the author's intention (or I feel I'm not smart enough to get it so I pretend I don't care.) It takes the fun out of reading for me. I believe in reading to listen to someone's story in an emotional or sympathetic way and taking that into my life. I feel like I don't make any sense? oii my life.
• Art major with a English minor in Second Education. This one time I got an art scholarship to a school in the middle of no where and drew plastic fruit too much and it kinda made me hate art for a second. But now I crave it. I just want to be in a studio drawing for three hours everyday. But I'm insecure about my art. I don't like displaying it and if I do, it takes a good portion of courage. I don't feel this way with words but art is different to me.  
• Elementary Education major. Elementary ed would be perfect in an ideal world where they are a million teachers jobs but reality is, they job market is flooded with these kind of teachers. Also, I'm afraid that Elementary School will bring up parts of childhood we all have that I would like to forget. And I fear I would kill a parent if I knew they would abusive to their child in anyway. Plus I feel awkward around children sometimes. I'm the youngest in my family so I never truly know how to act around people younger than 12. 

All I know is I want to teach. I've known that since I was seven and made my friends do worksheets and I knew would be a teacher. Since no one will pay me to watch movies, eat Le Puente and read all day this is a good option for me. 

- I kinda really want to move out. (which doesn't involve the U personally but I stuck it in there because it's on my mind...)

-Dances and activities are free. I don't have to pay additional money to go to a school dance with a legit DJ and free slushies.It's a beautiful thing. 

so there you have it. my life so far this semester. Again I have lots of things to share so expect more soon!

Just like starting over.

This Monday I started classes at the University of Utah and I can honestly say I love going to school. I haven't felt this emotion in 8 years. Jr. High and High school have turned into an awkward blur and CEU had its ups and downs( a lot more downs than ups for me) but it feels good being at a school where I belong.

I have many blog ideas lately so expect more soon :)

Back Home

Here are some pictures and here's what I have to say about them:

The first was taken three years ago. I was trying to point my foot while I leaped down the road.(to look artistic and poised)This was taken at the border of Morgan and Salt Lake County in East Canyon. It's quiet beautiful place to stargaze, be silly, and think all those thoughts about life that you never think about until it's quiet. That night was odd and I just remember feeling so unsure of my future. I was starting my Senior year of Murray High and really saw no life after that. SLCC maybe. a mission at 21. vague thoughts of marriage after that.

The second picture was taken this summer. On that same road on the Border of Morgan and Salt Lake County. I'm wearing my periwinkle shoes that remind me of my brother who is far away from me. Like this picture, I don't focus on the long road or find it vague and scary but focus on the steps right now. I'm getting better at staying in the present. Turns out life begins after Murray high and doesn't end. I never went to SLCC and really don't see myself any longer as Sister Missionary. and marriage =still vague

The third is my sunflower in my backyard about to bloom. It's that summer green and I took this before I saw an earwig and ran inside my house. (Earwigs are ten times worse than any other bug) It's not yet bright and yellow but that summer green.  My life changing all over again. I start the U Monday, August 20 and I'm so scared/excited for life. But I'm still pre-bloom I guess so I'm going to watch the yellow lines in front of me. Because I love being where I am today. With the stars and summer air and my amazing job and friends.

Salt Lake City: my first love.

 my gift of myspace shots

 Train stained glass I never noticed

this one is for kenna.

The last two days I've have been a tour guide for my friends from Green River who came to Salt Lake City  for the Pride Festival. I showed them the delicious Park Cafe, City Creek, good ole' Trax and laughed with them a lot. I ate real Thai food for the first time and loved it.Thaifoon's evil Jungle Prince chicken is delicious. I went to Pride which is very colorful and loud. I bought my first pair of Vans(weird being Brian's little sister and not owning a pair..) they are periwinkle and black. I'm broke, sunburned and exhausted but I feel like I got to go on vacation at home and it was wonderful. Me and my friend Tadd both went to CEU together and we didn't have a good time. It was kinda terrible for both of us. But this weekend we had a lot of fun in Salt Lake. We laughed and we weren't full of angst and I realize that a good place makes you feel better. In a way it can heal you. I've been mixed up a lot lately and I feel strange and I'm trying to get myself in order. I started that 40 days journal which I only do if I'm in the "mood", which is pretty much never and I'm trying to relax and watch movies. This weekend, I felt good again and it because of Salt Lake. The roses growing on everything, the good food, the clean city,and spending time with the ones I love. Just enjoying the sunshine. It's so simple and I've been over-complicating everything. My favorite musical is The Sound of Music and I love the line "I go to the hills when my heart is lonely" and that's what this weekend was to me. Salt Lake makes me feel at home. oh wait it is my home. silly me :). I'm so happy the summer is here and I'm lightening my hair back to blonde (yay!!!) which I know it's just hair but it's my natural color and I miss it dearly. so here's to summer and friends and June!

Kristina don't kill me

So last Thursday, I was doing my semi-annual cleaning Kristina's room where I obtain free things/hang out while we remove dishes from her nightstand, dust shelves, chuck old Christmas candy etc. etc. So I was dusting Kristina's shelf when I found this 40 days and 40 nights journal. I remember we seeing it at Barnes and Noble when we were 15 and I envied it when Kristina got it. Well on Thursday I kinda borrowed it...without permission on accident kinda But  I'm doing it in my own journal so no worries Kristina. It's this guided journal written by Ilene Segalove it's a like walk in the desert and slow down kinda of a thing. but in journal form. I'm on day 3 now and it turns out I'm impatient and  it asks a lot of things that I don't like answering. but who knows maybe it will really be a "new" journey.

and don't call me Pammie.

This will be short but it's important for me to say this. Tonight me and Ciara were driving back from Green River after just one of those perfect days. I told her how Price gave me her and Tadd. 

"No Grace, Price gave you nothing. It is a sh*thole of a town. Don't give your pain credit. You gave yourself me and Tadd. You deserve credit. We're not friends with you because we felt sorry for you. You are our friend because you make us happy."

People ask me what I'll miss about Price. 

Truth be told I'll miss none of it.

Because everything I would miss I will carry with me on to the next chapter of my life. The friends, the developing backbone, the writing, strength to face my demons they're coming with me.  

Why do we think that suddenly graduation is this awful goodbye? It's not. It's an academic process. 

So I'm not sad about leaving.I would use the word ecstatic.  I'm happy and confident that I can do this. I've proved to myself that I can do anything because I did the CEU life. It was more than just a two year school and unless you went here, you won't understand. I'm not sure I'll ever have the words to explain it. I do have the words to say that I believe in myself. 

Nine Cents

 The last few months of my life have been the most confusing, frustrating months of my life. Between math 1050, winter, being homesick all the time, my lack of confidence, struggle with my faith, and the indecision of my future I have felt awful. I have cried, yelled, screamed, prayed myself to death. During this whole time, I have to make some of the most important decisions of my life including picking a University for next year. Have you ever had to make a choice when so you're so lost? It doesn't work. Then in March I decided purely out of interest of having friends at school next year to apply to The University of Utah and Utah State University. Neither felt right but I just went with it because if I don't know what I want how do I even know I'm making the wrong decision? 

Three weeks ago, I got accepted to USU and it felt good to be accepted but my heart wasn't in it. I thought great I'm screwed because I feel the same way about the U. Still I check my mailbox everyday waiting for that letter from the U. Then I went online to check my status of my application(I know this is hella boring to read but I have point I promise!)(I just said hella..) and it said it still needed my transcripts.  Well at that moment, my heart dropped through the floor. I sent my transcripts two months ago.My irrational mind went on a rampage of a future where the U didn't accept me because my transcripts were lost. I realized that if this was taken away from me, I would be heartbroken. Finally I knew what I wanted because if I lost it, I wouldn't be okay with it.

Then today, I got it all worked out re-sent  my SLCC ones from high school and got them sent from College of Eastern Utah. Well thanks to the merger from hell, they needed my transcripts from USU so I went online to do it and it said it was "free" so I was excited because guess what I has nine cents in my bank account. Then I got to the end of this program to get my transcripts sent to the U, and it costs 4 dollars. 4 dollars between me and what I wanted. That thing I knew that I wanted for the first time in five months. So I checked my bank account to see the reality of my nine cents and there was my tax return sitting in the account. 

I guess want to say that things work out. They always do and life is really hard. It sucks. And sometimes things get taken you away from you and things fall through so you see what you want. Wherever your life is at right now, just remember that things do come together in the end. God makes you strong enough to bear things. He doesn't look at you and think you're too weak and take away your problems, He helps you get through it. If you don't know what it is you want right now, it will come. 

Price in the Spring.