Kristina.

today is my sister's birthday 

I want to tell you in one of the many moments she taught me. 

 A week ago, I was having a bad day. I woke up and the world just felt like the world was crashing in and on top of me. I went to training for Disney, thinking everything would be fine just nerves. The nerves I had been repressing for a week and a half now we're bubbling to the surface. I spent the day in beautiful Epcot. Yet I couldn't get happy as pharell would put it. I got to my apartment and figured I was just tired. Well I wake up and I feel worse. I am alone and the Apartment is empty. It's the first time I've been alone with myself in probably 14 days. And suddenly I can't hide it anymore. My stress of movinG, the fucking Florida humidity, the fact that I can't get a grip on my reality. Why am I not happy? This was the right choice. This is what I chose. My money is spent. My pictures are hung on the wall. Did I mention I've been too stressed to eat? And everything I do eat goes straight through me. I force a Marie calendars pot pie in my mouth and it takes everything in me not to throw up. I put in silver linings playbook which always makes me feel better when I'm sad and then I start crying right when when he is outside the movie theater on Halloween because I realize that's how out of control I feel. I pause the movie, and to my surprise I call to I tell my parents I want to come home. Because I can't live this way. This stress. This anxiety. This depressive nightmare inside of me. 

I know, you're like wow grace how does your mental illness and you falling apart have Anything to do with Kristina? 

Well an hour later I'm in her car and I tell I'm not staying. And being the fool that I am, I thought she's going to try to make me stay. She's going to be disappointed I didn't even make it a month here. In the kindness In her heart, she tells me I need to take care of myself. At this moment I had what felt like a million voices inside me telling I'm weak I'm nothing I'm a quitter. You can't even handle Disneyworld. In one sentence she shut them up. Kristina silenced my demons. She let me cry which since the 7th grade has never happened in front of her. 

As I lay in Kentucky a week later, I think how much I need to learn in this world. Especially in taking care of myself. I am grateful for all the people into life. But today, on the Great birthday of Shania Twain I am thankful for a slytherin sister who is always there even when I'm not all there myself. I love you Kristina and hope you have a wonderful day. 

Let's start at the very beginning

A very good place to start

I hear Maria's voice now.
I am here in Florida on my best friends couch.
I spoke to my parents on the phone separately.
This divorce thing is going to take some time.
I need to take sometime.
It's beautiful and hot here.
Disney contains the idealism I dream of in life.
Happy endings. Family.
I need to be here. It's scares me how right something can feel.  It feels  predestined. Like Heavenly Father knew I needed this now.
When so much is on the line.
My dad mentioned I forgot my scriptures. I forgot a lot of things in Utah.
But somehow in this hot humid sticky swing state I feel I can
Find
The things
Lost
Forgotten
Stolen

I'm going to DISNEYWORLD

I have the jitters.
The butterflies adventure is waiting in my stomach
I depart for the Disney College Program August 11th
I'm so ready for this time of life.
There's a lot of stuff. Hard stuff in life.
But sometimes it just nice to go have some fun!!!
I want to go be my inner Disney princess self
I want to slay my artist's block with Palm trees and mouse ears
Sometimes it just nice to begin a journey, a new start even if it's only 5 months,
This time I know will help define my future.
Let adventure begin

Beloved let us love one another

Today I was listening to General Conference in my office. And there it was. The doctrine teaching I don't agree with. The moment I question why I'm Mormon. I felt conflicted again as I oftened do everytime this subject brought up.

Skip to 30 minutes later when I find my resident crying over missing his sister. How there's nothing I can do but sit with him while he cries. Then instantly I feel the love of God and the love He has for this man.

I realize that my mission in life is not to fight myself over political matters. I know what I believe and in my heart about certain things and if I'm wrong I'll deal with it in the next life. There is too much sorrow and sadness to waste my time on things. My role is to be kind and to Listen. To be strong and bring joy to others. My therapist says guilt is a wasted emotion. I'm not going to feel guilty for believing in Marriage Equality. I'm not going to walk away from my church either. I'm going to love and remember that Gods number priority is to love one another. Everything will work out and if I'm wrong in the end, I'm wrong. I will be kind and watch out for others on both sides of the fence. Ok off my soap box. I love you all and am grateful God is here for us. We are children of God so let's treat each other like so. 

"It's time to get out of the desert and into the sun, even it's alone."

I've started this post probably five times now.

How do I know where to begin?

I guess it begins a few weeks ago when Shiloh was in town just for a night and we caught up at my house.

I was rambling on about all my problems and then she looked at me point blank, the only way Shiloh can and said something along the lines

"Grace you need to get out of Utah."

It woke up something inside of me. It made put aside all my doubts and fears and apply for the Disney College Program in Florida. Then all of a sudden, I got in and I leave August 11th.

I don't want to sound cliche or not grateful for home, but being in Murray being here hurts. I'm not denying that the U hasn't changed my life and made me inspired because it has. My job is life changing. I love being close to home and watching my niece grow. I love Salt Lake and am an advocate for its beauty.

But.

Being here hurts sometimes. I am sad when I drive down state street and there's layers upon layers of memories that are gone now. Sometimes,when I look into the mountains, I'm reminded of my best friend and cousin and I not being close anymore and how we're not close anymore and how I'll probably never go to Squirrel Mountain again. When I go to church and feel out of place  because I am changed but everyone around me is living something that has become a foreign idea to me.Nostalgia is this poison that makes the everyday moments hard. I lose myself in Netflix TV shows and in the cold dark movie theater. I end up depressed watching everyone around find their life and place. I gain five pounds in a winter. 

Now I am going to Florida in August for a new adventure and when I get back I'm finishing my degree. I'm ready to get out of here for awhile.The thing is with sadness it's not all rain clouds. There's a renaissance of myself happening. I'm constantly creating. I'm baking, painting, folding,cutting,gluing and working towards something. Art has opened me up to change and its beauty. 

I'm ready to have a fun young adulthood instead of being sad, feeling guilty, and things. I'm excited to change and grow and to discover. I know it's not a just change in location that accomplishes this. It's a change in heart. I'm making the changes now. I'm trying to work out. Today, I did an "easy" workout from pinterest. 80 jumping jacks into it, my boobs ached. I'm new to all this. Change, exercise, accepting I don't like my life right now. 

"These last three years, I know they've been hard. But it's time to get out of the desert and into the sun, even it's it's alone." - The format. "On Your Porch" 

Things I've been making/that bring me joy:

Fruit tarts

Danielle my baking partner in crime

Loren McKay Wilson I'm counting the days until May when I get to meet him 

100 objects in 3-D made of straws

The lightening once more of my hair

The view from the Trax platform that make 830 class less terrible

Watching Buffy

My first book for book arts. Take a fortune and leave a fortune.  Finally put my cootie catching making skill to use. My idea is to leave a piece of yourself to someone else then gain a piece of another.

Pearspective

Been having fun with acrylic lately

I made a Chinese New Year dragon at work. That's Steve modeling it.

My "soul box"

A ceramic piece I did in 3-D. The cheesiest project I've done

The pink rose is bright and happy blooming outward to represent my extrovert side. The black spike/mountains are my mental illness and the objects represent the things I love still can thrive alongside the dark parts of myself.

Poke'ball- the child in me. the part that holds on to being a kid and never being too old for my game boy color.

Apple- my love and desire of education. 

Black-eyed Susan- The love of summer I have and my love for flowers

Piece of Heart- Modeled after Ocarina of Time, it represents all the places I've lived and gone to. I feel I have a piece of my heart there and carry pieces of a place with me wherever I go in life.

The crown- My princess complex and knowing I am valuable and of great worth. I have strength in me to become anything I want to become.

The canvas- you can't see in this picture. It's a little canvas of the mountains. It represents always looking at the world the eyes of an artist

Film canister- my love for film. <3 I just watched Moonrise Kingdom last night finally and it just proves how a great movie can take you places.

CD- the love of music and making mixed CD's and constantly trying to find the perfect playlist.

Utah Jazz- my team. I believe in them always. We will have it someday.

2013: a year in songs

2013

1. Ride- Lana Del Rey

The first time I heard this song, I was standing in Tadd's kitchen doing the dishes. The lyrics caught my attention. This was the first time I though something was wrong with me. "I'm tired of feeling like I'm F***ing crazy" struck a chord. I was worn down to the core in January. This song captured my feeling of wanderlust and my desire for a rest.

2.Who Done That To You?- John Legend

Django Unchained. amazing movie. amazing soundtrack. My second favorite Tarantino after Kill Bill. This song helped me smile and get through my winter blues.

3. Bellas Regionals: The Sign / Eternal Flame / Turn the Beat Around- Pitch Perfect Cast

I LOVE Ace of Base. When this came on in the movie, I died. This song is cute and funny just like Pitch Perfect.

4.Popular Song - Mika feat. Priscilla Renae

I love the message of this song. Being mean is wrong and we are beautiful being who we are. ( yep that is my Hallmark lesson for the day)

5. The Future- Patrick Wolf- I envision a foggy San Fransciso street when I hear this. It reminds me of the Bay City and Patrick has a dreamy voice.

6.Just Give Me a Reason- P!nk feat. that one guy from FUN.
Best pop duo easily for 2013. I overplayed this to my heart's content.

7. Thrift Shop- Macklemore and Ryan Lewis
In the April of 2013, I discovered The Heist. It's flawless in every way.

8.Blurred Lines- Robin Thicke
I know, I know this song is terribly wrong. You have to know Jeff Smart, be in Orlando Florida, and play this at 12 times a day before the magic of this song becomes real. YOU DA HOTTEST WITCH IN THIS PLACE. Don't worry I hate myself too.

9.Thin Line (feat. Buffalo Madonna)- Macklemore and Ryan Lewis
This song captures every feeling I have about emotional intimacy with others.

10. Teen Idle- Marina and the Diamonds
How I felt in high school  feeling like crap all the time until senior year.

11.Diane Young- Vampire Weekend
Dancing with  McKenna while she texted Trey and her being a giddy school girl over her future boyfriend.

12. Drinking Shampain- Marina and the Diamonds
This song is me ignoring my anxiety and not sleeping watching Mad Men until 5 am.

13. Handle Me With Care- Jenny Lewis With The Watson Twins
On July 13, 2013 I saw Jenny Lewis and Ben Gibbard as The Postal Service visited. I felt for the third time in my life. I found this album at the library a week later and it was fate.

14.Black Skinhead- Kanye West
Kanye you may be crazy but this song top played song on my iphone.

15.Annie's Song- John Denver
Beauty is riding a train through Spanish Fork Canyon listening to John Denver watching the sunrise.

16.TWO WEEKS- GRIZZLY BEAR
The sound of Catan at the Smarts.

17. Blew My Mind- Dresses
This cute band opened for Kate Nash and this song is just sunshine

18.Wrecking Ball- Miley Cyrus
I love this song. It is passionate and will be iconic in ten years. I'm #teammiley.

19. Anxious Endeavors- Problem Daughter
This one time, a band gave me a shout out during their concert and I died. I almost didn't go to the concert that night because I had a bad day. I didn't feel like talking about it but that moment made my whole week. "I LEFT MY HEART IN UTAH <333"

20. By the Grace of God- Katy Perry
 I learned I had anxiety disorder with depressive symptoms in October. I felt damaged, broken and sad admitting this to myself. It's scary realizing it's not just a phase. Like many other times in my life, I found solace in pop music. Katy Perry helped me deal with my broken spirit. Her vulnerable album Prism strengthened my will and helped me finish my school out for the semester and go to work.

21.Let's Go Crazy- Prince
Thanks to karaoke, I'm learning to sing through my sadness. "And if the elevator tries to break you Go Crazy!" The Karaoke Cafe Staff, Berlin and Katey are my favorite version of therapy.

22. Unconditionally- Katy Perry
This song is not just about loving someone else, but loving exactly who you are in this moment.

23. Do You Want to Know a Secret?- The Beatles
Sweet little song I never heard until December. I love that I discover new things by The Beatles every year. I also listened to a lot of Paul McCartney in 2013.

24. Winter Song-Sara Bareilles & Ingrid Michaelson
" I still believe in summer days"

twenty fourteen

feeling alive. 

breathing in the smog and the sunshine 

creating creating creating 

all the ideas all at once 

making scary choices involving Florida, my hair color and money

falling in love with art and life all at once

I've never just been fine with exactly who I am and it's liberating

Lexapro is the shit

There are sad days too but I'm not alone 

I have a journal, the movies, and a God who loves me 

"this is the life I choose this is the thing I can't bear to loose"

I am more than a disorder, a religion, a body type, a liar, a passive, a singer, a friend

I am a soul full of love.