Tuesday, April 28, 2015

I'm moving

or at least my words are ;)

My blog is moving to:


I have lost the ability through blogger to upload pictures from my phone and a lot of my blogging has been through my phone as of late. So follow me on word press! 💜💜💜

Monday, February 23, 2015

we are choosing what we want to keep, not what we want to get rid of

Last Thursday, I woke up and it was -11 degrees outside. Apparently I decided to move to Kentucky the worst winter of ice and snow since 1994. President's Day weekend we got hit with a huge storm that shut down schools, slathered the roads in muck and ice and left me like the rest of  Kentucky bound up in my apartment. To help cope with cabin fever I turned to reading and watching Scandal and after two amazing books and half a season of Scandal later, I am still restless. Last Friday I was reallt feeling bleh. Friday is the day of the week I miss home the most . I want to get dinner with Jim or go to the movies and leave my house and explore. Instead I'm stuck inside with snow only leaving the house for work this weekend. I try not to have self pity. Afterall, I chose this adventure. I chose to move friendless, jobless, and I have a job now, and I'm working on that friend thing so I got to say I'm doing alright for myself. Restlessness come with the season. Winter and me have always been common enemies. It's freezing wind and grayscale days have never made me feel joyous about existence. My boredom and lack of social life have led me to clean and organize. I pick of this lovely book,
the life-changing magic of tidying up by Marie Kondo

I've been reading it and so far it has been a revelation to my messy lifestyle. In one particular section, she discusses discarding and getting rid of things. Marie Kondo tells of how growing up she would find things to throw away just to find things to throw away. Later, She had an epiphany that she was still untidy in her words even after getting rid of things. She figured out it was because she stopped valuing the items that surrounded her and would just fill the void with more things when she got rid of the old. She then said, 
"We are choosing what we want to keep, not what we want to get rid of."

The book somehow for me went from helping me clean and actually be successful in organization into a teaching Eat Pray Love moment. 

At this time of growth and change in life for me, it's about what I am choosing to leave behind but what I want to keep and add into my life. I have figuretively and physical got rid of a lot of things this past year. I came away feeling jaded and overwhelmed and hurt. I think it's because I haven't focused on the good things I've kept. Like good, strong people who understand and love me unconditionally. I kept my desires to be an educator. I chose to keep art. I chose to keep my sanity instead of putting up with situtations that were unhealthy for me. I am moving forward and even on bad gray days where I question my sanity and decisions in life
I have made, I know I am gaining so much more then little things in my life remain the same. 

Friday, January 30, 2015

Finding old parts of myself in books

Monday, I awoke at 2 in the afternoon depressed and decided I would have to move back to Utah because my savings was depleting and I couldn't find a job and moving here was a huge mistake. (Side note I'm a very impatient person and lack faith in myself and think three weeks of unemployment is devastating where some people go years without finding work so I'm was a complete ass in this thought process)Then, at 4, Erinn from Tom Sawyier Library called to offer me my dream job! I'm a Youth Services Clerk. Basically I shelf books and help people find books and learn about great books to read and discuss books. And books books. And sometimes I put DVDs away. Somehow I put away the side of me that would stay up reading all night back deep inside and ignored it. Here I am so happy that I am United with books from every place on earth. I feel happy to be working in a place where literacy is praised and adored. I remembering who I am and finding new parts I never knew. Not to mention I love the people I work with. I am bursting with joy. And though shelving non fiction is kinda tedious it's so nice to be engulfed in literal knowledge. I am in a building with millions of stories and facts of this beautiful world. Isn't that beautiful? Go to library BECAUSE they're AWESOME

Friday, January 23, 2015

2014: a year in songs.

I have started writing this at least  five times for a month now, The truth is I really hated 2014. My heart got broken in more way than one. My parent's separated and I ran away from Disney world. I know things made me stronger and I did win a few games of Catan and I made a lot of wonderful new friends But I lost. And I'm okay losing I really am we all have a few bad seasons in life (ahem, the Jazz I still believe in you) but 2014 was devastating. And I'm starting a new year here in Kentucky and I am trying to change and forget all the pain I left in Salt Lake. I'm trying to forget the ghost I chose to become in the wake of my life being a shit show. I need to write this though because I hope someone someday maybe my future spawn (lol spawn) or maybe a friend can read this and go look at Grace. She had a really shitty time and then she became an amazing educator and fell in love and went to Austria and found self worth and made her peace with God.  I need to finish this damn reflection on this year so I can actually feel like I am starting a new one here in Kentucky.

So here it is 2014 in songs


Blue(feat. Blue Ivy) 

"But when I look in your eyes, I feel alive." 

It was last Christmas season I first heard this beauty. I pulled out of the Smith's parking lot on 45th south and it was a revelation. My heart filled with peace and all the world melted away.  I think how my life hasn't slowed down once in the last year and how this song calmed me. It also made me dream of being a mom someday and feel so hopeful about having a family.

Sara Baraeilles 

"I still feel you here until the moment I'm gone"

I know this song is a few years old but the Karaoke Cafe got it and I heard it a billion times this year. This song is brilliant. We all have had that relationship with someone that pulls us down and holds us back. I had to let go of a lot of people and things this year for the better and this song helped me cope with that feeling of being stuck.


All of Me
John Legend

"You're my downfall, you're my muse"

I have no deep emotional connection to this, only that I melt like butter when the harmonies come in the second chorus.

Brothers on a Hotel Bed
Death Cab For Cutie

"You may tire of me as our December sun is setting because I am not who I used to be"

This song is me changing and growing, and being rejected by those I thought loved me no matter what. This is the sound of my heart being broken by people who grew conditional to who I am.


Sarah McLachlan

"Show you all the beauty you possess if you would only let believe"

March was really good for me. I felt I could do things and go places. I found out I was going to Florida and my therapist and I discussed how strong she thought I was being and school was going and I was making new friends. I started singing this song at the cafe and it sounded pretty when I sang it, This song is so hopeful and reminds us we are never to far gone and everything isn't our fault in life.


"Get out get out of my memory"

I hear a loud table of Catan at The Smart residence. I see Court and Theo fighting over "Developy's" and myself getting handsy with the bank.



"Still I call it magic such a precious truth."

This is Coldplay sounding like the Coldplay I love. Chris Martin <333 I heard this on Saturday Night Live and I started to cry because no matter how bad something or someone turns out to be in retrospect, we can look back and see that we have that memory of perfection in our mind. Someone finally put into words how hard it is to just let something pass away.


Hiding My Hiding Heart

I Can't Make You Love Me

These two Adele covers I always listen right after another. Hiding My Heart by Brandi Carlisle originally is so sad and sweet.And do I need to even mention how great I Can't Make You love Me is? May was the point I realized my parents weren't going to make it. They had been crying wolf in this case divorce for a a year and a half now, but they had stopped fighting. My house became almost unbearable to live in because I could feel the sadness of my dad and restless spirit of Lisa.


Now Or Never 
Kendrick Lamar

"That's why I do the best I can because I know how blessed I am"

Imagine a rainy sunday afternoon, a greasy burrito, sweat pants and a chubby girl in sweatpants rap/singing to Kendrick Lamar alone in the Rancherito's parking lot.

Ed Sheeran

This song sounded like Kristina and a song that would have been her Myspace song and on a CD in her car in high school and made me miss the hell out of her.


Wild Horses
The Sundays

Lisa moved out. Everyone kept checking on me.  No one tells you how weird it is to move your mom to her own apartment. I literally don't know what I would have done with out Jeff and Berlin and Emily. I didn't and haven't seen my therapist since March and I didn't want to talk about it. Once again my friends saved me. Berlin wouldn't make me talk about it because he hates feelings too same with Jeff. I don't how many nights I spent at his house until 4 am because I didn't want to go home. And I know he was tired and bitched a lot but he and Berlin and Emily would just watch trashy tv and play Catan. and Emily would just bring me into a whirlwind about her life and bring sweet Brad with her and I could forget my misery for a while.

okay sorry now I'm crying I miss my friends and it's hard leaving them in Utah.

This song is the song Buffy dances to Angel with at her senior prom. The Rolling Stone's version is pretty too, but I love this one.




Well after I went crazy in Disney World and I went to Kentucky and Brian cheered me up with good ole fashion Nikki

Nicki Minjai


Bang Bang
Jessie J

This year was a revolution in female pop music. This song is all the proof you need. It makes me nolstalgic for the days of Lady Marmalade and "freak dancing" in fifth grade. (I can only imagine what that looks like, Shiloh how were you friends with me???)


Slippery Slopes
Jenny Lewis

I don't think I could handle coming home to SLC without Jenny Lewis. This song helped me to feel peace and ignore that nagging I failed feeling.

Break Free
Ariana Grande

This sounds like taking Lilly to school and singing with her. Kacee and Cameron had helping me take her to school and it was wonderful having something to do, Having purpose and spending time with pure red headed sass every weekday made life a lot better.


Shady Love
Scissor Sisters

one last trip to GR and to China Buffet.

Everybody Wants to Rule the World

do yourself a favor and go listen to Lucius and look at the adorable matching outfits. music credit to Jeffi3


Angel of Small Death and the Codiene Scene

Once upon a time this sex god performed on SNL and I fell in love with his body and liberal open minded views


 If someone bottled up the fog and cold and the muted pallet of November and sadness in the world and put it in a song it would be this one, and it would sound glorious.


Jealous Remix with Tanashe
Nick  Jonas

Liv and Jeff dancing drunk at the Smart kitchen table <3

Dream Song
Nathan Reich

This is the sound of the final drive in 2014 around the valley feeling vacant in a way that you about to fill yourself up with a new place and life. This song is saying goodbye

so goodbye 2014 and thanks for making me move out of Utah I guess..

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Christmas snowfall

Today I had a victory.

When I was 10 I was got a sled for Christmas. I took out to the local park behind my neighborhood with friends and started to ride down the hill. It was snowing and full on blizzard. It was cold and then out do no where I felt absolute panic. I needed to go inside. The power lines were buzzing and it was pure white everywhere I looked. Too white. So I ran across the field and went through the gate and didn't go outside the rest of winter. The next summer I had my first panic attack and began to live my life in fear of mental illness.

Flash forward to today. I am on the smoke porch at work freezing my ass off waiting for Tammy for finish her cigarette and look up into the snowfall. It's snowing again but it's almost twilight and outside is a silver gray. I put Hold Me Down by Motion City Soundtrack because it sounds like snow and I close my eyes. I feel perfect clarity for three minutes. The pain and fear of my inner self just disapate and I feel okay. This is my last Christmas as an Utahn for I don't know how long. I may visit next Christmas but it won't feel like this.

Merry Christmas p

Sunday, November 23, 2014

When you're leaving home

When you're leaving home,
you see everything for what is it
that all the "I miss you! Why don't we get together anymore?" stop to matter
you want 100 more Taco Time visits with your dad because they don't have taco times where you're moving or Jims
the exhaustion of trying to fix a broken friendship is illuminated in a light colored
you don't deserve this anymore
you get giddy about the thought of seeing your nephew everyday
you feel the deepest grief of only seeing your niece a few times a year
truly your heart is split in ways you didn't foresee
when you're leaving home,
you fear you'll back out of the scariest thing you've done in your life.
you fear you will accept the unacceptable for yourself and just put up with the life you have
you start getting rid of all that stuff you really couldn't live without
everyone should have to go through everything they own and decide if they would ship it somewhere else
when you're leaving home,
you feel the relief of getting a do over
of learning that it's okay that you have been fighting feelings of not belonging for 10 years
you feel happy for yourself
which makes all the bad things about leaving worth it
and yeah you might your words someday
but they'll be your words
your choices
and you might learn what it is you've been looking for

Saturday, October 25, 2014

74 days

In 74 days, I get a do over.. I get a life back I've lost. I get to Don Draper myself without the alcoholism or hiding my identity from my beautiful wife. I'm ecstatic. I'm not overwhelmed or scared. I feel overjoyed. I feel that weird word I never truly understand called peace. Not everyone will understand this decision. Hell, no one understands except probably Kristina. That wanderlust that just increases in our marrow with age. I feel like my truest self in this moment. Especially the sixteen year vulnerable Yellowcard listening side. Every part of me knows this is right. 

In 74 days I am moving to Kentucky.