Christmas snowfall

Today I had a victory.

When I was 10 I was got a sled for Christmas. I took out to the local park behind my neighborhood with friends and started to ride down the hill. It was snowing and full on blizzard. It was cold and then out do no where I felt absolute panic. I needed to go inside. The power lines were buzzing and it was pure white everywhere I looked. Too white. So I ran across the field and went through the gate and didn't go outside the rest of winter. The next summer I had my first panic attack and began to live my life in fear of mental illness.

Flash forward to today. I am on the smoke porch at work freezing my ass off waiting for Tammy for finish her cigarette and look up into the snowfall. It's snowing again but it's almost twilight and outside is a silver gray. I put Hold Me Down by Motion City Soundtrack because it sounds like snow and I close my eyes. I feel perfect clarity for three minutes. The pain and fear of my inner self just disapate and I feel okay. This is my last Christmas as an Utahn for I don't know how long. I may visit next Christmas but it won't feel like this.

Merry Christmas p