a homecoming,death of a cactus, rear ending

3 stories for you  

how my brother got off his mission:

He was twenty minutes early and I didn't have time to unravel the corny banner we made him. He talked to his former mission president for his a minute and a half before I got to hug him. Which really ticked me off but I shouldn't felt that because it's the "ideal happy family moment". But they were trolling. And when I did hug him it was awkward not this magical moment in time. Then ten minutes later, we took a family picture that Lisa had to crop because I had a major case of camel toe from the static of my dress. Only me. I've never seen my sister in law Kacee laugh harder.
He's weird right now. The world before he left is gone and I miss who he was. It sucks and it's hard for  me to talk to him because he's in his head so much. I love him and I know it's a part of life but sometimes I wonder if he's gone and I just need to cope with that. He's still Brian but... it's like the difference between Gandalf the Grey and Gandalf the White. Gandalf the White is cool and saves middle earth but you can't really hang with Gandalf the White. Maybe I just expected too much for myself or him.

death of a cactus:

In a whirlwind of a cleaning spree while avoiding one of 3 final papers, I moved my cactus to dust and I heard and Snap and I looked down and there was my cactus oozing all over my scrapbooking/craft/art box. I over watered Paulie C. and he's gone now. Kinda like the friendship of the  person I bought Paulie C. with.

that part of my life is gone.

rear ending:

Today in Edna I rear ended a truck. A man with blue eyes and a left one crazy told me it was fine and that no damage was done and drove away.Edna's grill broke and I pushed the radio in, but the car is fine and I'm fine well kinda. I next pulled over and cried as hard Juno after Jason Bateman tells her she's leaving Jennifer Garner. It crashing into another car to awaken my emotions and deal with myself. There's a lot I don't want to talk about my life or what goes through my mind on my blog but what I can say is that sometimes God needs you to rear end a man with a crazy eye to get you to say what's truly on your mind. I can't rush this growth or change progress or whatever it is I need.

It takes a lot of time.
Which I have.

Endings and Beginnings.

In eight days, my brother will be home from his mission. While driving yesterday and blasting a really bad playlist which alternated between Lana Del Rey and Taylor Swift's RED album, I made a list of endings and beginnings:

Endings

-End of Brian being away for two years(side note: my lovely cousin Joe got home today and I get to see him after school :D)
-End of the lovely phase of "General Education" and finally getting into my major
-End of the awkward transition from high school to adult life
-End of some friendships
-End of some lives
-End of saying goodbye

Beginnings

- A complete new phase of life that I have no knowledge of
-Being an adult 
-New friends
-Letters to new folk
- Becoming a better person
-A Spring semester with little required reading so I can read more
-New library card


The future is bright :) oh I figured it  out and I'll graduate when I am 24 tentatively speaking. 

"You'd make a great sister missionary"

So my dear prophet President Monson lowered the mission age so men can go at 18 and women at 19. What does this have to do with me? I feel like everyone keeps saying to me since conference "Grace, you'd be a great sister missionary." 

I do not want to go on a mission now or at 21.

I said it. 

I'm going to use "I feel" message now. 

I feel like the Utah Mormon culture is confused with women my age. Because I don't have a steady boyfriend and I'm not engaged, I must be just the perfect type of girl to go on a mission. 

Regardless:

- that I'm in the middle of beginning my major

-I-LOVE my job

-I'm trudging down to path to self-discovery

-Building a solid foundation of emotional stability after two years of Hell

-I hate living with other girls

-Moving on to a new chapter of my life

-Getting ready for Brian to be home!!

If women want to go, I think that is wonderful. I know countless sister missionaries who love it. 

But, it's not for me. So please stop pressuring me to go. I want to teach art and be at the U and find a Jurassic Park loving husband when I graduate. 

And if someday I want to serve, I will. I'm a lot of things but when I want to do something I do it. No matter the consequences. I also I want to say I know Jesus Christ is my Savior. I love Him and he has been by my side these last two years while my dear brother serve the Lord. He knows my heart and he's so merciful when I mess up. I also know that my best way of being a "sister missionary" right now is by being the best I can be. I don't want to go and Jesus won't make me. I recently told Brian my feelings of being pressured into all of this and how I had no desire to go and I didn't know what that means he in sweet Brian terms said,

"It means you have a vagina and it's not your job."

He comes home in 20 days in case you're wondering :)

a few words on Tuesday

today was Tuesday 

here are some reasons why this Tuesday was awful:

1. Because Mondays are long and terrible, all my hopes for the week disparate and I am left to deal with Tuesday

2. There is always an essay or response due in my lit class which means I've gotten very little sleep the night before so I'm usually not very cute for the day. Today, for example, I wore an outfit I like to call "50 shades of awful" with my mom clip holding back my greasy hair. My pants were lose because I have no butt so they sagged awkwardly all day.

3. It's the first day of my Trax rides to the U for the week. Which always includes someone loud and terrible on the train with me. This week it was Ralph from West Jordan going to the Ballpark Walmart and telling 21 year old guy with his he must not be Mormon because of his tattoo and that he must be gettin' lucky with the ladies because he was dealing with chastity n' shit. 

4. I didn't find any friends at school today so I spent all afternoon watching "John Tucker Must Die" on my ipod and doing my homework alone in the basement of the library. 

5. I had Carl's Jr. for dinner (enough said. my body hates me right now.)

6. I had to share my opinion on education in front of my whole class and we sat a circle and I was in the middle for this exercise and felt like everyone was judging me and thinking I was weird. ( when do I stop being 14 and feel okay sharing my feelings?) 

aggggghhhhhh

3 days until fall break! okay I have now released my white girl problems out into the universe. Time to do my math.

11:11 (4)

11 things I have to say to eleven different people:
                          2012 edition
1. #1 gurl crush. Baby boo I luv you. Choo de one fur m3. Okay enough with the gangsta loving. You're the world's most beautiful woman I know. And I'm not talking about the fact that you look like a sexier version of Natalie Portman, I'm talking the greatest friend I've ever had. Not once have you ever left my side. Even when I moved 120 miles away, I felt like you were right next to me. You're a sister God gave to me. Please know that you truly are the sunshine of my life. I love you with all my soul.( and I mean all my soul ;) ) You're so picky and it makes me happy. You don't ever do things you don't think are worth your time. It's something not a lot of people have and I'm grateful for that example you set for me. 

2.  You hurt my sister and for that, I don't forgive you. I hope one day you find that people are souls not toys and you don't get to get sick of them and that you take care of them and love them and work through things with them. I don't why you always run but I hope you find someone who makes you stay. I will always love you but I don't like you very much right now. And this isn't my fault and I'm not sorry. 



3.Hello, you are the weird human being I've ever encountered. Seriously you scare the hell out of me. You've literally drugged me before. Yet, the deep scary thoughts and parts of myself I can share with you. You understand the heart better than anyone I know yet claim to be heartless. Thank you for being every great and strange in the world. Thank you for letting me cry and lie on your floor with your giant stuffed tiger while I spill my world out to you. Thanks for playing Zelda with me on Sundays. Love you boo.

4. Oh Hey. so I'm secretly not so secretly excited you're home this semester. I felt like we were far away from each other for the last year and a half and now I see more than once a month and it makes me so happy. You have one of the best attitudes on Earth. No matter what kind of a day it is, at the end of it, you have a good time. I'm so jealous of it. You help me have fun in everything. And your I don't give a fuh philosophy towards life helps me more than you know. I can't wait to be sixty with you and go to the From Under the Cork Tree Reunion tour with you. I love you and thanks for helping find my dreams.

5. You touch my ankles, get sweet and sour sauce on my toes, make me listen to Marliyn Manson, burp mustard by me, tease me when I've had literally one hour of sleep, etc. etc. Yet you listen to me. Not like "oh I'm sorry your day was bad" listen but observe and appreciate my life for something I never see it for? You've listened to me complain about CEU /everything and didn't judge me for anything I ever said. (just laughed hysterically)  There are so many things you've done for me and there is not any way I will ever be able  make it up to you or even properly thank you for. Ciara says we're soul mates and not in a romantic way because we would end up all American Beauty in the end , but I think what she means is we're just meant to sit on park benches late at night and talk about nothing. Because I know no matter where life takes us, I know we'll have off brand gatorade, Chinese buffet, the realization anything and everything is better than Sessions and last but not least we'll have the movies. 

6. Move home from Idaho and go to the U. and I love you.and I can't wait to see you this October. I wish I could see you everyday because there is no one who I feel myself with than when I'm with you. 
It breaks my heart when people hurt you and I'm sorry if I come off as overprotective or crazy. Please go to grad school in SLC and we can take lots of drives around.

7.  Thanks for moving back from Chicago. Thank you for making care about the world we live in and showing me that a one voice and one person always can make a difference. Thank you for being everything a person should be even when others around accept to be the same.

8.  You give me "panda" monium. Thank you for converting to the whole loving Teen wolf thing. You're the kind of person I can count on in any situation and know you won't judge me. You're truly the one person who knows every secret I have and I thank you for keeping them after all these years. I love you and know we're going to be friends forever. I also want you to know that I think you're brilliant I hope you never let anyone tell you otherwise. Whatever or wherever you choose to go with your life, I will support it 100%. 

9. Whatever you two are right now, know that I love you and will never forget your kindness. Even when I don't get to see you, I know that you're there and I can always count on that. #teamshyness forever. Never forget the beauty of your love.

10. I excepted you to be different from the rest, you weren't. It's my own fault holding you to a standard you can't be. Have a nice life. 

11. 67 days until I have you back. Stay good and know I'm thinking about you. Your love is endless and I hate that folks overlook it. love you.

11. I love how you think about everything way too much all at once. It shows how, sincere and brilliant you are. You're beautiful and deserve the best in this world. Thanks for this year and making me more carefree. I love you my big.

11. I'm happy we go to skool tog3ther. Hang out with me lots and let's talk shit on everyone we know. I'm wearing your awful plaid pants right now. Thanks for giving me a new perspective on the man-flop(not really..) but know I love you and am happy you're in my life.

11. Watch St. Elmo's with me? I love you and miss you green eyed beauty. We live too close not to spend time together. 




Ten summer memories :
2012 1. Swimming in Green River with my three best friends without a care in existence.

2011 2. Finding the job of my dreams and the one I needed after a year of hell.

2010 3. Buying Teenage Dream at midnight with Ahmer and Daniel and driving around all night.

2009 4. Squirrel Mountain

2008 5. Laughing 'til I fall over, being in "love" for the first time with a certain boy with swoopy hair who smelled like Showtime, and let's not forget the acoustic Bayside.

2007 6. My first Warped Tour 2007

2006 7. August 26th

2005 8.  That week I didn't go outside because I played Kingdom Hearts alone in my room.

2004 9. Girl's Camp and being in love with my brother's best friend. (cough cough Ben Whitney)

Nine things about myself

2. I have a potty mouth. I swear when I drive at EVERYONE and say every bad word in a Kanye West.And I realize that a lot of folks will lose respect for me or think I'm not classy but it's my sin I guess that it's mine to work on. 

3. I hate my natural hair color but i'm trying super hard to embrace it. but secretly all I want to do is dye is dark red. so it will probably end up dark red soon because that's what I want to do.

4. I left all my sadness of two years in Spanish Fork Canyon and try my best to let that sadness remain there. 

5. I love to paint and write but hardly ever give these two things time in my life. 

6. I have no confidence. I had a teacher who said that was a "loser way" of thinking and I would never succeed being mediocre. I will graduate college and prove this person wrong.

7. I'm not good at forgiving or forgetting. This makes life very difficult.

8. I love have favorite things. and people who don't have favorite things are usually void of personality in my mind. example:

color:blue One Direction member: Liam Payne food: snowcones thing to do: play my N64 or read Harry Potter movie: Ferris Bueller's Day Off poem: The Dark and Falling Summer book: My Antonia person: Mckenna Schwab canyon: Parley's Canyon

9. Nine is my favorite number



Eight ways to win my heart.

1. Be yourself. No really, there's nothing more to me than a guy who knows what he loves and why he loves it. Someone who doesn't feel any need to prove anything to me. Just needs to be him.

2. Laughter. 

3. understands Harry Potter references 

4. is into Star Wars.

5. Christ-like

6. Goes to the movies

7. Challenges my competitive side

8. Loves his family

Seven things that cross my mind a lot:

1.  "All alone! Whether you like it or not, Alone will something you'll be quite a lot. But on you will go though the weather be fowl though your enemies prowl."

2. I want to sleep. 

3. Damn hipsters.

4. Salt Lake is so beautiful I could cry.

5. "There's only one return. and ain't the return of the king it's Return of the Jedi"

6.This is not real life.

7. IT'S CALLED A SIGNALIGHT!!!"- driving on Highland Drive and people swerve between lanes.


Six people who mean a lot to me:

1. Lisa

2. Jim

3. Brian

4. Cameron

5. Kacee

6. Lilly

Five things I regret doing (or not doing) in my life:

"No Regrets. Just Love."-Katy Perry

Four things I'm wearing right now:

1.Jeff's Mormon pants
2. Olive green camisole
3.dirty red glasses
4. purple underwear


Three songs that I listen to often:
1.U Remind Me- Usher
2.Wildest Moments- Jessie Ware
3.Settle Down- No Doubt

Two things I want to do before I die:

1. See every National Park in the United States

2. Find myself.

One confession:

I'm going to be an art teacher when I grow up.

Skool

Let me tell you about the U:

-it's a very large campus. Yet unlike CEU, I run into every person I never wanted to see after high school. Even that one girl who says tells me in the most condescending voice "Ohhh you're going to be a teacher? Yeah that's probably good for you.I'm going to into some science field you wouldn't understand" (yep I'm not heartless beezie like you and people enjoy my company and I'm nice so yes I would be a good teacher. and yes I exaggerate and twist people's words because I'm oversensitive) 

-People are smart and really competitive. Which for how their tuition is, they should be. So sometimes in my classes (Especially my Lit class) I feel like a guppy swimming in a sea pretentious sharks who have  all read every classic novel in the "cannon" that I never found time because I was busy reading good ole' Percy Jackson. I'm scared to share my opinion because I still feel like "regular" kid and not an "AP" kid. at what point do I grow out of my insecurities?

- I'm terrible at making friends on purpose I think. Most of my friends all live in Salt Lake and I'm sick of losing my friends thing for a minute. Which will be addressed in my 3rd annual 11:11 post in a few weeks here.. But I'm content with who I'm friends with so I'm not really trying. I don't know when that feeling will go away.. 

-I adore my Education teacher. She reminds me of every good teacher I've ever had and exactly why I want to go into this field of work. 

-I'm deciding between three majors so any input is being taken:

• English major with a history minor in Second Education. I love English and can't minor in Art and I'm good at History and like it too. But I hate critically picking apart things just to pick them apart and half the time I don't a damn about the author's intention (or I feel I'm not smart enough to get it so I pretend I don't care.) It takes the fun out of reading for me. I believe in reading to listen to someone's story in an emotional or sympathetic way and taking that into my life. I feel like I don't make any sense? oii my life.
• Art major with a English minor in Second Education. This one time I got an art scholarship to a school in the middle of no where and drew plastic fruit too much and it kinda made me hate art for a second. But now I crave it. I just want to be in a studio drawing for three hours everyday. But I'm insecure about my art. I don't like displaying it and if I do, it takes a good portion of courage. I don't feel this way with words but art is different to me.  
• Elementary Education major. Elementary ed would be perfect in an ideal world where they are a million teachers jobs but reality is, they job market is flooded with these kind of teachers. Also, I'm afraid that Elementary School will bring up parts of childhood we all have that I would like to forget. And I fear I would kill a parent if I knew they would abusive to their child in anyway. Plus I feel awkward around children sometimes. I'm the youngest in my family so I never truly know how to act around people younger than 12. 

All I know is I want to teach. I've known that since I was seven and made my friends do worksheets and I knew would be a teacher. Since no one will pay me to watch movies, eat Le Puente and read all day this is a good option for me. 

- I kinda really want to move out. (which doesn't involve the U personally but I stuck it in there because it's on my mind...)

-Dances and activities are free. I don't have to pay additional money to go to a school dance with a legit DJ and free slushies.It's a beautiful thing. 

so there you have it. my life so far this semester. Again I have lots of things to share so expect more soon!

Just like starting over.

This Monday I started classes at the University of Utah and I can honestly say I love going to school. I haven't felt this emotion in 8 years. Jr. High and High school have turned into an awkward blur and CEU had its ups and downs( a lot more downs than ups for me) but it feels good being at a school where I belong.

I have many blog ideas lately so expect more soon :)

Back Home

Here are some pictures and here's what I have to say about them:

The first was taken three years ago. I was trying to point my foot while I leaped down the road.(to look artistic and poised)This was taken at the border of Morgan and Salt Lake County in East Canyon. It's quiet beautiful place to stargaze, be silly, and think all those thoughts about life that you never think about until it's quiet. That night was odd and I just remember feeling so unsure of my future. I was starting my Senior year of Murray High and really saw no life after that. SLCC maybe. a mission at 21. vague thoughts of marriage after that.

The second picture was taken this summer. On that same road on the Border of Morgan and Salt Lake County. I'm wearing my periwinkle shoes that remind me of my brother who is far away from me. Like this picture, I don't focus on the long road or find it vague and scary but focus on the steps right now. I'm getting better at staying in the present. Turns out life begins after Murray high and doesn't end. I never went to SLCC and really don't see myself any longer as Sister Missionary. and marriage =still vague

The third is my sunflower in my backyard about to bloom. It's that summer green and I took this before I saw an earwig and ran inside my house. (Earwigs are ten times worse than any other bug) It's not yet bright and yellow but that summer green.  My life changing all over again. I start the U Monday, August 20 and I'm so scared/excited for life. But I'm still pre-bloom I guess so I'm going to watch the yellow lines in front of me. Because I love being where I am today. With the stars and summer air and my amazing job and friends.

Salt Lake City: my first love.

 my gift of myspace shots

 Train stained glass I never noticed

this one is for kenna.

The last two days I've have been a tour guide for my friends from Green River who came to Salt Lake City  for the Pride Festival. I showed them the delicious Park Cafe, City Creek, good ole' Trax and laughed with them a lot. I ate real Thai food for the first time and loved it.Thaifoon's evil Jungle Prince chicken is delicious. I went to Pride which is very colorful and loud. I bought my first pair of Vans(weird being Brian's little sister and not owning a pair..) they are periwinkle and black. I'm broke, sunburned and exhausted but I feel like I got to go on vacation at home and it was wonderful. Me and my friend Tadd both went to CEU together and we didn't have a good time. It was kinda terrible for both of us. But this weekend we had a lot of fun in Salt Lake. We laughed and we weren't full of angst and I realize that a good place makes you feel better. In a way it can heal you. I've been mixed up a lot lately and I feel strange and I'm trying to get myself in order. I started that 40 days journal which I only do if I'm in the "mood", which is pretty much never and I'm trying to relax and watch movies. This weekend, I felt good again and it because of Salt Lake. The roses growing on everything, the good food, the clean city,and spending time with the ones I love. Just enjoying the sunshine. It's so simple and I've been over-complicating everything. My favorite musical is The Sound of Music and I love the line "I go to the hills when my heart is lonely" and that's what this weekend was to me. Salt Lake makes me feel at home. oh wait it is my home. silly me :). I'm so happy the summer is here and I'm lightening my hair back to blonde (yay!!!) which I know it's just hair but it's my natural color and I miss it dearly. so here's to summer and friends and June!

Kristina don't kill me

So last Thursday, I was doing my semi-annual cleaning Kristina's room where I obtain free things/hang out while we remove dishes from her nightstand, dust shelves, chuck old Christmas candy etc. etc. So I was dusting Kristina's shelf when I found this 40 days and 40 nights journal. I remember we seeing it at Barnes and Noble when we were 15 and I envied it when Kristina got it. Well on Thursday I kinda borrowed it...without permission on accident kinda But  I'm doing it in my own journal so no worries Kristina. It's this guided journal written by Ilene Segalove it's a like walk in the desert and slow down kinda of a thing. but in journal form. I'm on day 3 now and it turns out I'm impatient and  it asks a lot of things that I don't like answering. but who knows maybe it will really be a "new" journey.

and don't call me Pammie.

This will be short but it's important for me to say this. Tonight me and Ciara were driving back from Green River after just one of those perfect days. I told her how Price gave me her and Tadd. 

"No Grace, Price gave you nothing. It is a sh*thole of a town. Don't give your pain credit. You gave yourself me and Tadd. You deserve credit. We're not friends with you because we felt sorry for you. You are our friend because you make us happy."

People ask me what I'll miss about Price. 

Truth be told I'll miss none of it.

Because everything I would miss I will carry with me on to the next chapter of my life. The friends, the developing backbone, the writing, strength to face my demons they're coming with me.  

Why do we think that suddenly graduation is this awful goodbye? It's not. It's an academic process. 

So I'm not sad about leaving.I would use the word ecstatic.  I'm happy and confident that I can do this. I've proved to myself that I can do anything because I did the CEU life. It was more than just a two year school and unless you went here, you won't understand. I'm not sure I'll ever have the words to explain it. I do have the words to say that I believe in myself. 

Nine Cents

 The last few months of my life have been the most confusing, frustrating months of my life. Between math 1050, winter, being homesick all the time, my lack of confidence, struggle with my faith, and the indecision of my future I have felt awful. I have cried, yelled, screamed, prayed myself to death. During this whole time, I have to make some of the most important decisions of my life including picking a University for next year. Have you ever had to make a choice when so you're so lost? It doesn't work. Then in March I decided purely out of interest of having friends at school next year to apply to The University of Utah and Utah State University. Neither felt right but I just went with it because if I don't know what I want how do I even know I'm making the wrong decision? 

Three weeks ago, I got accepted to USU and it felt good to be accepted but my heart wasn't in it. I thought great I'm screwed because I feel the same way about the U. Still I check my mailbox everyday waiting for that letter from the U. Then I went online to check my status of my application(I know this is hella boring to read but I have point I promise!)(I just said hella..) and it said it still needed my transcripts.  Well at that moment, my heart dropped through the floor. I sent my transcripts two months ago.My irrational mind went on a rampage of a future where the U didn't accept me because my transcripts were lost. I realized that if this was taken away from me, I would be heartbroken. Finally I knew what I wanted because if I lost it, I wouldn't be okay with it.

Then today, I got it all worked out re-sent  my SLCC ones from high school and got them sent from College of Eastern Utah. Well thanks to the merger from hell, they needed my transcripts from USU so I went online to do it and it said it was "free" so I was excited because guess what I has nine cents in my bank account. Then I got to the end of this program to get my transcripts sent to the U, and it costs 4 dollars. 4 dollars between me and what I wanted. That thing I knew that I wanted for the first time in five months. So I checked my bank account to see the reality of my nine cents and there was my tax return sitting in the account. 

I guess want to say that things work out. They always do and life is really hard. It sucks. And sometimes things get taken you away from you and things fall through so you see what you want. Wherever your life is at right now, just remember that things do come together in the end. God makes you strong enough to bear things. He doesn't look at you and think you're too weak and take away your problems, He helps you get through it. If you don't know what it is you want right now, it will come. 

Price in the Spring.

Mark Twain and minor Panic

Hello, hello

Spring semester is in full swing and so far it's a bad episode of Glee. There's a lot of singing, drama, references to musicals and pop culture but the whole time I just want it to end. The singing comes from me mostly alone in my dorm or in car rides, drama is self-caused , musicals from my theater friends (including miss Lisha my roommate), pop culture from all the trash T.V. I watch with Danielle while we do our "math homework". I want it all to end because I am me and can't sit still ever. This semester I am on the Nighthawk Review which is a literary magazine for USU-Eastern and in a Western American Lit. class and I'm falling in love with English all over again. In my Western Lit class, we discuss the West.  I'm reading "Roughing It" by Mark Twain and  I really want to sit down and talk to Mark Twain. He's so funny and he at the time, when this story was written is trying to find his place in the world. I love it because he's lost about who he is too. Obviously, he will do great things with his life but it's nice to watch him figure himself out. The book doesn't have a driven plot or purpose and it's just series of mishaps and stories. That is life right now. Oh there's a pretty sunset to remind not all of January is bad but that is does have it's pretty moments.